A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

One for the Books

I'm not supposed to be online right now. Or doing anything "stimulating" (i.e. with a screen) for that matter. But I do have a glass of wine beside me, so the two must cancel out, right?

It's been one of those weeks. Months. Years even. So many unexpected changes have occurred in the last 1-2 weeks, and I am ready for the change to stop and the dust to finally settle. The same could be said, however, of the last year of my life. I had mixed feelings about turning 25. It's a nice round number, robust with life, eager to learn, but lacking direction. Since 25 I've experienced a lot of change and transition, therefore to end the year in the same way make perfect sense in a world that doesn't tend to make much of it.

This year was one for the books. I can't say I'll look back on it fondly, but I have a feeling it's one of those years that is shaping and molding me more drastically than ever into the person I will become. It's not a year I'll want to repeat, but to say it was worthless would be unfair. I've experienced major changes, loss, death, depression, confusion, and a general feeling of stagnancy. Marriage, babies, engagements, quitting jobs, traveling the world, job changes, moves, deaths...you name it I've watched it, lived it, or walked through it.

I wish I had the perspective to be able to see it for what it was worth, but at this point I am still too close to understand. Each day I fight to be the me I used to be, and the me I've become. What parts of me remain? What had been chiseled away with good reason? And what do I do with what's left?

Whatever I once thought I knew, I no longer know. Whatever "sure things" I used to think I now question.

Of all years this is the hardest one to embrace. This has been the most difficult year to celebrate. There is nothing "light" about this year, but I pray that it was not in vain. I also pray for this next year to be healthier, and funner, and filled with joy. I pray this next year will be one to celebrate...another one for the books.

What's My Story?

I haven't really shared this blog with many people. If I did, I'd probably have more readers. Go figure.

I just told my roommate/BFFL (Best Friend For Life...yes it's an official title) that I have a blog/website. I've shared it with only a few others (i.e. my sisters), probably out of fear that I am a terrible blogger, writer, and have nothing interesting to say and no stories to tell. While I consider myself a good communicator, I do not consider myself a great storyteller. I'm still not sure if it's because I have no stories to tell, or if I'm just not seeing the stories worth telling.

There has been a lot of conversation at work lately about writing your own story. "You are the lead character in your own story." While that's fine and dandy, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Ok, ok, I know what it means, but that's a little daunting. If I am the lead in my story and my story kind of sucks, then that's my own fault. I have no one to blame, and we all know it's nice to have someone to blame things on. Don't hate--you know it's true.

I'm think I am in the beginning of my story. Setting the groundwork and building the character. I'd say that's what the 20's are all about. But I'm also getting to that point, I think, where I'm ready to take the first step towards whatever story I am trying to tell. Sure, character development will continue to happen, but a story isn't a story without a plot, and definitely without stepping into that plot. So, here I am, wanting to step into my plot, but having NO IDEA what that plot is. Do I write it? Is the Big Guy Upstairs writing it? Do I let it happen? Can I change direction in the middle? I suppose every good story has twists and turns...

Lost would only begin to describe where I am. My mind is in a million places and I too easily become overwhelmed by said thoughts. Thoughts that consume me and prevent me from seeing life clearly and making decisions accordingly.  My recent adventure out of the country was probably the clearest my mind has been in a while. I forgot about all things related to my normal life and embraced each day and moment exactly as it was. Each day my goals were short lived. Get to this city or that hotel. Find this monument, throw a coin in the fountain. Take pictures. Eat when you can, sleep when you're done. Each day felt like a fresh start, each moment felt full of life. In the confines of a single day, I felt so much freedom.

But then here I am, back in reality, consumed by my day, thinking of the future and what it holds. Wanting more/different/change. Not really sure how to grab hold of it or what my first step should be.

Maybe I should start with telling more people about this blog. Maybe.

The Growing Tree

Have you ever been on the outside of a conversation about you? One where you could kind of tell something was being said (good or bad) but no matter how hard you tried to eaves drop, you just couldn't gather enough info to figure out what was being said? I imagine this has probably happened to everyone at least once. Either you a) find out later what was said or b) continue to wonder what was said until you forget it happened.

Well, I'm kind of having one of those moments, but there is no actual conversation I'm referring to. I just have this sense that things are happening to me and all around me that affect me and my future but I don't know what. In the words of Miss Clavel, "Something is not right!"

A lot in my life has been shaken up in the last few months. It's interesting to see how a few *minor* changes can totally begin to uproot other parts of your life. I'm still in the uprooting phase, and to be honest it is still pretty painful at times. There is plenty of good to be grateful for, but the change and the unknown and the future are all daunting subjects to even consider much less face head on.

I imagine my life something like a tree in a tree farm. I've been planted, watered, grown, and rooted to some extent, but now I'm being uprooted so I can be planted somewhere else--somewhere I will become deeply rooted, a more permanent residence where I can grow to my potential and be used for what I was created for.

Uprooting is painful. It shakes up all you've known and makes you crave the normalcy you've come to depend on. But unless you uproot, you'll never find your home and resting place-the place you will live and thrive, grow and be used for all you were meant for.

So, while I'm being uprooted, I can't help but wonder where I'll end up or how I will get there. I can't help but feel like there is some conversation being had about me, my life, where I'll be most useful, and all the things that need to happen for me to get there. What I do know is that things are happening. Emotions are bubbling, thoughts are changing or developing, questions are arising and nothing really feels settled. I'm ready for things to settle. I'm a girl who likes routines and schedules, plans and normalcy--it's what makes me feel sane. But, like I've said before, all I have is today and really just this very moment. I'm choosing to make the most of it. To embrace this moment for all it is and be grateful for the things I have. I can't get from A to C without B, so I'm going to embrace B and enjoy it while it lasts. Each stage has it's own advantages, and I don't want to miss out on any of them.

The Change Game

I’m beginning to realize that change happens

regardless of if you expect it, 

regardless of how old you are, 

regardless of the season of life you are in, 

regardless of who you are, 

what you do, 

or where you want to be. 

I’m in the process of learning that you will never know what the future olds, 

or when it will come, 

how it will make you feel, 

how it will influence your life, 

how it will change who you are

what you do, 

or where you want to be. 

Change is uncomfortable and leaves you feeling vulnerable. The unknown does very much the same thing. 

The irony is, as much as you want to know the future and all it holds, you are never quite ready for it. You wait on pins and needles for that certain something to finally come, whether it’s something you are working towards or a matter of *fate* you are hoping for. You wait, dream, envision, plan, pray, never really knowing what it will look like or how it will turn out. Other people may be in on it with you, or it may be something you hold near and dear to your heart. No matter what that thing is, no matter how “ready” you think you are, the time will come and you just may not know exactly what to do with yourself. Joy will overtake you, passion may envelope you, excitement will exude from you, but at the end of the day, no matter what that thing is, it will likely leave you a little uncomfortable-curious-confused.

Life seems to be one BIG, f-a-t, question mark. The more you know, the more you wonder. The less you know, the more you want to know. I’d say there is no easy fix, because there isn’t, but really it’s not a problem that needs fixing. If we were meant to know our every step of the way then we’d have been born like that. If we were meant to know our every step, life would be relatively uneventful. Mind you, the lives we lives are “eventful” for both good and “bad” reasons, but that’s why it’s a journey. Attempting to look miles ahead will do no good if we’re missing the step we’re currently on. Staring off into the distance will get us no further than the step we’re currently on. Getting somewhere takes focus, diligence, and the patience to take one step at a time. 

Looking to get ahead? Looking behind won’t do much good either. As a 4th grader I vividly remember an incident with me and a poor tree that didn’t see it coming---er, I didn’t see it coming. Being the introvert that I am I’ve always been fascinated by people watching-particularly people just a few years my senior. I’ve always been just a little bit curious to see how others live and interact. Maybe it comes from being the youngest of  four kids. There was always something going on and someone to stalk-errr watch---er---observe? Seriously though, I loved just hanging around my siblings and their friends to see what they did or talked about. I had some of the same tendencies at school too. Being in 4th grade, I loved watching the 6th graders. I particularly wanted to know what they talked about. Clothing was also something that stoked my curiosity. 

So there I was, early one morning, killing time with all the other kids before class started, walking around the large sand field. Apparently walking around this field was the cool thing to do. We all did it. Only the over-achievers attempted to run that early in the marine layered morning. Semi-strategically placed trees were staggered along the outline of the field. I happened to be alone on this particular day, but only a few yards from the 6th grade girls. In my curiosity I continued to look back at said girls every minute or so. I’m not sure if they noticed my “observing”, but they clearly noticed the moment I turned around and walked straight into a tree. Within seconds the girls were making sure I was OK and asking if I needed to go to the nurse. While my face and body received little to no damage, it was my ego that was slightly bruised that day. 

See? Looking back doesn’t do much good. 

So if looking back does no good, and looking too far ahead does us no good, then apparently my only option is to be exactly where I am, working toward the next step, accepting that even though I may not know for some time. A wise reverend(1) once said, “worry only about today for tomorrow will worry for itself. If that’s too hard, worry only about the next hour. If that’s too hard, worry about this very second.” Now is all that I have, and even that is not my own. The past is all that it will be. The future is and will forever be unknown. Today I will rest in what I have and what I know, because everything is what everything is. 

(1) Rev Run via Twitter