A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

It's Fun to be 2(5)

It's true...

...it's fun to be 25. 

After some good ole family mockery at my family & friends birthday party (see below), my fabulous friends and I made our way to downtown San Diego for the continuation of my birthday celebration. I couldn't love a place more than I love San Diego, especially the downtown area. Ok, I guess Italy is right up there at the top of my list, but SD in comparison to the rest of the world, SD isn't such a bad place to end up :) 

The morning of my actual birthday, after forcing myself to go back to bed, was spent at the most adorable wine bar & cafe called Cafe Chloe. Seriously adorable cafe with simple yet flavorful food and very welcoming French decor. It felt quite picturesque...the perfect place to start my 25th year of life. Thanks for the recommendation Missy!

The Girls

A-mazing

We then ventured down to La Jolla for a walk around the beach and local shops, and a pit-stop at the Living Room for a mid-afternoon pick-me up (isn't every good birthday organized around food?).

A stop to visit the seals (ohhh, the life of a seal). 

A stop at the *bucks for pick-me-up coffee and....presents!! I love my friends :) 

After a brief stop at my sister's house, it was off to Hob Knob Hill for a light dinner before we hit the road. Technically I ate there three times in the week I spent in San Diego. I was introduced to the restaurant by a family friend who brought there (AMAZING) cranberry sauce to our Thanksgiving Dinner. Then on Saturday I ended up there with my sister to meet up with her best friend and fiance (yum!) and then back there for a simple, homestyle birthday dinner. This place kinda makes you feel like you're in your grandma's kitchen in the midwest. All their bread is freshly baked every morning and they're best know for their breakfast. I would definitely recommend! 

Everyone needs birthday dessert! Simple as it was, their chocolate ice cream was bomb-tastic. 

And because no one wants to go back to work after 6 days, a weekend, and a birthday off, a very welcoming birthday surprise from my team. Oh how they love me :) (Note the green theme: balloons, green dyed flowers, DARK Dove chocolate, Yogurtland gift card, homemade sign and a few other special trinkets in the mix). 

If any of you who were a part of my special day(s) are reading this, THANK YOU!

Good food + good friends + good family + good fun = a gooooooood birthday 

It sure is fun to be 25 :) 

Thanksgiving is for Lovers

Normally I'd be posting Fresh Cuts today, but since the page didn't seem to be updated, I figured I would go another route and give you Fresh Cuts when there actually are some. Until then...

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and I couldn't be more excited. I've loved Thanksgiving for as long as I can remember, and my love for it just seems to keep growing. Maybe it has something to do with sharing my birthday month with Thanksgiving. Occasionally my birthday falls on Thanksgiving, but usually it serves as the pre-cursor to my birthday--like an appetizer if you will...and those appetizers are ooohh sooo delish. 

I love thanksgiving because it has everything to do with family and food and absolutely nothing to do with presents (unless it happens to also be my birthday). For my family, Thanksgiving usually starts with a long morning in our pajamas, cooking and baking to our heart's content. Now that we are older we are doing this mostly in our own homes, but since I am the baby of the family, I still get to pawn myself off on a welcoming sibling who will let me take over part of their house to make a mess and some really good rolls (or whatever it is I am baking that year). This year my sister has the privilege of my presence :) 

As a say-at-home-mom most of her life, my mom spent a lot of time cooking and baking from scratch, especially when we were little. She has some incredible recipes and taught all of us kids how to do it on our own. This is a lifeskill I am so grateful to have! We may not have been spoiled with stuff, but we sure got spoiled with good food!

In light of that, Thanksgiving has become our own version of Top Chef. We cook, we bake, we sweat, we experiment, and we make darn good food. Well, I guess I would say we are a little more "Little House on the Prairie" than "Top Chef", but either way we end with a good meal, so that's all that matters. 

I could honestly keep talking about Thanksgiving for hours, so to keep things interesting here are a few things I would love to have or wear this Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving may not be about presents (phew!), but there is always room for a little Anthropologie in there!

Kitchen Impressionism Apron

Imagined Iris Cup & Saucer 

Breton Holders

Stream Bank Platter

Alistair Napkin, Flora

Reclining Rabbit Tureen

That last one I couldn't help but include. Come on, a bunny?? How awesome is that?!

Gift Tip: With Christmas just 33 days away I can't help but think about what to buy for the people I love. As much as I love that Thanksgiving has nothing to do with gifts, ironically one of my favorite things to do is give them! Some of the best luck I have had with gift giving is with aprons. Anthropologie has great deals on aprons practically year round for both kids and adults (that one above is only $19.95). It's always fun to get a new, fun apron that changes things up a little, and since it's something you only wear at home for a few hours at a time, I find that people are a little more adventurous with styles. I swear you can find one to match any personality-you really can't go wrong though. For a few more apron options, click here, here, here, and here <--- that last one is only $7.95!!!

If you don't have anything nice to say....

You know that saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all"? Well, I think I took the phrase to a new level this past weekend. I've been quite a grump lately and although I'm not sure if others noticed or not, I figured I would save them my bad attitude and hibernate for the weekend. I made sure to be present at the things I was expected to be at, but beyond that I was pretty checked out from reality. Humanity-you can thank me later.

I also hibernated a bit from blogging. I kept up with the usual blogs I follow like this one, this one, and this one, but stayed clear from my own. Like I said, I've been a bit of a grump lately and didn't really have anything nice to say. I took this weekend as my opportunity to have a pit of a pity party, an introvert party, and a "it's time to move on party." Overall it was a good weekend, one I think everyone needs to have sometimes.

Because I didn't share anything with you this weekend, the next few pictures will give you some insight into how I spent my time. Don't get too excited. Unless you were also having a pity party and totally checked out from reality, or if by chance you are my secret stalker, then you will probably be bored to death by the following photos. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Weekend highlight: NO work on Christmas!

The Goods

Sometimes I pretend I live on Little house on the Prairie 

Girl Porn (Note: also downloaded Instagram at this point)

Magazine shopping--must have!

Too good to not text, tweet, or blog for the world to see.
Burly Beards 

And to get back to reality...Thansgiving with friends! Starting last year a group of friends and I have planned and celebrated Thansgiving together (i.e. Thanksgiving). Mondays are typically a dreadful day for most of humanity, but today I had something to look forward to. After secluding myself from the world it was good to be back with friends laughing, eating, mocking each other, and just being. I finally feel human again. You're welcome humanity.

Side Note: 
Can I just say, the beauty of "The Anthropology of a Girl" is that in reality I can blog about whatever I want because by default, anything I write about and anything that happens in my life, has something to do with being a girl. If "anthropology" is the study of something, then every photo I post, word I write, or story I tell reveals just a little more about what it means to be a girl. Part of me wishes every post I write was strategic, calculated, organized, and full of purpose, but that's just not my life right now. THIS is my life. THIS is what it means to be a girl. 

Fresh Start -- What's Yours?

I went on my first real diet after my sophomore year of college. That might seem fitting considering the dreaded "freshman 15" we were all warned about, but for me that wasn't the issue.

Growing up I was never that big. Looking back at pictures of me as a young child I was small, if not petite at times. As I got older, I guess I realized I liked food and lived in a family that not only liked food, but needed food. I fit right in. Even still, I was never "big" as you would imagine a "big" kid would be. I was downright average.

While I loved T.V. and watching slightly age-inapropriate movies (Son-in-Law anyone?), I wasn't lazy and wouldn't consider myself a couch potato. Money-woes prevented me from playing team sports, but I'm not sure I would have been any good at them anyways. In place of team sports I spent hours on end at the local pool and running amok through the neighborhood.

Just before middle school I hit that point where I was definitely not the smallest kid in class, but also not the biggest. I was smack dab in the middle. This is probably when I started playing the comparison game.

"Ugh, she's so small-I wish I were tiny like her."

"Well, at least I'm not as big as that kid!"

It's a sick game, and one I still struggle with at times as an adult.

High school was pretty much the same story. To my benefit I did grow in height to make up for some of my width, but to my dismay, my mom packed a pretty legit cream cheese-filled blueberry bagel and an Titanic sized bag of Goldfish crackers. Both of which I had consumed in part by the time third period rolled around. This is about when I realized that I needed food. And that I needed a good breakfast.

For your personal enjoyment on a Monday:
Roger & I at my High School Graduation Party 

Going into college I was determined NOT to gain the "freshman 15" everyone seemed to be taunting me with. In my mind there was no reason for it and no excuse. I felt I was at the weight I was supposed to be at and a weight I was determined to stay at.

While I did manage to keep most of that dreaded weight off, I did notice my body changing, and I didn't really love it. I also couldn't help but notice the tiny little bodies of my roommates and floormates that I just couldn't quite keep up with. I also noticed the freshman 15 some of those girls started  gaining, and I was eternally grateful I had kept most of that at bay.

Then, at the start of sophomore year I joined a gym. I went on a "healthy eating" kick where I did not restrict myself, but ate lots of healthy salads from the caf and snacks from Trader Joes. And by lots I mean probably too much. Thankfully I was burning more calories to balance it all out, but then again I was also gaining plenty of muscle. So. Not. OK.

So after two months and five pounds I quit the gym. Fast forward to the summer, moving into my first apartment (a story in itself) and living on my own-own for the first time. I went on my own version of the "Morris-Family-Diet" and lost a considerable amount of weight. I wasn't exercising much if at all, but was working plenty and dropping pounds quickly. 22-25 to be exact. Wahoo!!

Personal enjoyment #2:
Diane & I about, junior year of college 

It was then that I really fell in love with breakfast and started waking up at the crack of dawn for it (something I definitely continue doing to this day). I was pretty strict with my eating, but I saw the results so I was totally OK with it, except that I was hungry. Often.

However, like with any worth-while diet, you have off days and days you don't do so well. Such is life. This is when I implemented the motto "tomorrow is a new day". And it's true, tomorrow is always a new day and a fresh start.. My diet and exercise routines have changed and morphed over the years-something I am truly grateful for, but I still have off days or weeks and still need fresh starts. Honestly I think everyone needs a fresh start every once and a while whether or not that new start has to do with food, health, or exercise. I'm not in love with New Year's Resolutions, but there is something nice about the new year and new start that it brings. I imagine every tomorrow as a mini New Year's Resolution.

What do you need a fresh start with?

To be continued...

Homemade Butterfingers (Gluten Free)

Halloween is just around the corner. It's not my favorite holiday, but by default it gets bumped up a few notches on my list for two reasons: it involves pumpkins and peanut butter candy. Since I have another month or so to really embrace the pumpkin part, today I dedicate this post to the peanut butter part. Butterfingers that is.

While I don't think you should pass the following recipe out at the door (something about homemade goods freaks people out, I can't imagine why), I do think you should take the few minutes it does to make these. Then I think you should eat one, then I think you should take the rest to work, or spreadthelove to a neighbor or a friend or anyone outside of your house. Ok--share one with each person in your house, then get them out! Because yes, they are just that addictive.

Homemade Butterfingers 

1 16 oz. jar of peanut butter

1 lb. bag of candy corn 

1 bag of chocolate chips 

parchment or wax paper 

8 by 8 inch pan

basting brush 

cookie sheet 

Instructions: 

1. Line 8 by 8 inch pan with parchment or wax paper. (used jars for weight)

2. Pour candy corn in microwave safe bowl. Microwave for 1 minute, then stir. Repeat until candy is fully melted. 

3. Scoop jar of peanut butter into candy corn and stir until fully combined.

4. Pour mixture into 8 by 8 inch lined pan. Smooth until even. Let sit for 2-3 hours until cool and firm.

5. Pull candy from pan by lifting wax/parchment paper. Cut candy with large knife to size desired (mine were about the size of a mini Twix or Butterfinger). 

6. Melt chocolate over double boiler or cheat and do it in the microwave. Double boiler = Pyrex bowl sitting on top of a small pot of boiling water).

7. One at a time pick up each candy square and, using your basting brush, spread chocolate on 4 sides of the candy. Place on wax paper (chocolate side down). Then cover other 2 sides with chocolate.

8. Let sit out to cool, or if you're in a rush, put them in the fridge for 10-20 minutes. When you take them out, lift from paper, break off extra chocolate, then enjoy! (But only 1).

An extra step if you're gifting these away. 

Ok, ok, if you want to eat more than one you're totally allowed to. But don't say I didn't warn you. 

Happy Halloween! 

**Please excuse my amateur photography. Maybe one day I'll work on that...

I Refuse.

Considering the title of this blog, I am assuming most of my audience is (or will be) female. With that in mind, I figure I'm allowed to talk about girlie issues like food, weight, insecurities and the like with you. If you are opposed to such posts then feel free to skip this one and come back tomorrow. However, being that I am a girl, and you probably are too, then you probably understand where such issues come from, and likely struggle with them as well. So you should keep reading.

That being said, I am definitely one to follow health blogs like the Fitnessista, Meals and Moves, and Priorfatgirl. I am fascinated by their journeys and equally fascinated by what they eat for breakfast...lunch...and dinner. I'm continually baffled by the Fitnessista's ability to workout multiple times a day with a quickly growing baby bump, and find myself rooting Jen on as she fights the good fight to make it to the gym and eat right. It's a battle we all face, and I can't help but want her to win. It's unfortunate I am not always so kind to myself.

As a young girl with *apparently* so much time on my hands, I do my best to eat well and exercise often.   The eating well part isn't as new as the exercising part, but eating well gluten free started around the same time I finally jumped on the exercising bandwagon. I am not perfect, no human is (a lesson I am being reminded of often these days) but I really do try.

Me, without a care in the world. 

I grew up in a family of eaters. We love food, we love making it, we love feeding others and ultimately love pretending we live in the Little House on the Prairie. No seriously, I think my family would choose that life any day if the adjoining spouses weren't so weirded out by the idea. Anyways, we love food and aren't afraid to say it. Then there is the whole low iron, low blood sugar thing we just can't keep up with. We don't just need food, we need food. Try to make yourself sparse if you're ever around us the hours before Thanksgiving dinner--K?. Who thinks 3pm is a normal eating time anyways??

Both my parents have struggled with weight and health issues, honestly...for as long as I can remember. My dad didn't take care of himself and reaped the consequences when he suffered a massive stroke leaving him paralyzed on half of his body with semi-significant brain damage at just 47. My mom on the other hand, she's also struggled with weight, but managed to get it under control as a byproduct of managing her Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Me, annoying the crap out of my sister. 

The older we get the more we've learned about good and bad foods, trying to incorporate more of the good, and modifying the "bad" to at least be homemade from scratch if we are gonna go there. Afterall, everything is better from scratch, right? Something about being able to pronounce the ingredients I think.

All this to say, I'm pretty sure my parents passed some eating issues on to us kids, not to mention all those food commercials and ads calling our names. I don't blame them. If anything I am learning from them (how to incorporate the good, and not do the bad) so I am grateful for that. But as a young girl, single and child-less as I am, I decided today that I refuse to pass any insecurities or food issues on to my future children, or anyone I cross paths with until then. I refuse to abuse my body nor my mind in anyway. I will not let my insecurities get the best of me. And I REFUSE to pass any issues I have to my own kids. If that's not reason enough to get my ish together, then I don't know what is.

AE