A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

Every. Last. Bit.

You see, here's the thing. I was created to be exactly who I am. Through seasons of life I've struggled to understand why I was created to be the me that I am. I've felt a burden to myself and not good enough for others. I was not worthy.

Then there are those laughoutloud moments when I think I am the funniest person on earth, with the greatest family, the best of friends, and gifts from God I am grateful to have.

However, while the seasons of struggle are full of lies, those laughoutloud moments are always full of truth. I may not *actually* be the funniest person on earth, but I can be grateful that God gave me a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. When I feel like a burden, I know that I have family and friends who love me dearly just as I am. When I feel unworthy, I know that God has bestowed on me incredible gifts meant for his glory.

Satan would love nothing more than for me to cower away in shame, hiding who I am and who I was created to be. He would love for me to compare myself to others, put myself down, wish I had what others had, judge my sin, tear apart my soul and whittle away whatever confidence is left in me after being battered by what the world considers good, beautiful, and worth it.

I want to live in truth. I realize I am not perfect, and while I was created to be exactly who I am, I was not created to be exactly AS I am. God has work to do in me, and sadly there will always be work to do in me, so long as I live on this earth. While there is room for me to grow, I know that God loves me as I am. He doesn't love me for my potential, he just loves me.

It's time to embrace who God has created me to be.

Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I'm not much of a knitter, but I know there is a lot of work and intricacy involved in the process. God did not just throw me together. He very intentionally pieced me together in his image. While I am broken and in need of redemption, in me there are remnant's of God's character. Not only in me, but in you too. We are each created in God's image, and it's time we stop tearing ourselves apart and instead celebrate what God has given each of us individually. No one person is the same and for good reason. Only in community are we whole. The same body, but different parts.

Today I embrace that God has created me, Allison Elizabeth Morris. Every. Last. Bit.

I Refuse.

Considering the title of this blog, I am assuming most of my audience is (or will be) female. With that in mind, I figure I'm allowed to talk about girlie issues like food, weight, insecurities and the like with you. If you are opposed to such posts then feel free to skip this one and come back tomorrow. However, being that I am a girl, and you probably are too, then you probably understand where such issues come from, and likely struggle with them as well. So you should keep reading.

That being said, I am definitely one to follow health blogs like the Fitnessista, Meals and Moves, and Priorfatgirl. I am fascinated by their journeys and equally fascinated by what they eat for breakfast...lunch...and dinner. I'm continually baffled by the Fitnessista's ability to workout multiple times a day with a quickly growing baby bump, and find myself rooting Jen on as she fights the good fight to make it to the gym and eat right. It's a battle we all face, and I can't help but want her to win. It's unfortunate I am not always so kind to myself.

As a young girl with *apparently* so much time on my hands, I do my best to eat well and exercise often.   The eating well part isn't as new as the exercising part, but eating well gluten free started around the same time I finally jumped on the exercising bandwagon. I am not perfect, no human is (a lesson I am being reminded of often these days) but I really do try.

Me, without a care in the world. 

I grew up in a family of eaters. We love food, we love making it, we love feeding others and ultimately love pretending we live in the Little House on the Prairie. No seriously, I think my family would choose that life any day if the adjoining spouses weren't so weirded out by the idea. Anyways, we love food and aren't afraid to say it. Then there is the whole low iron, low blood sugar thing we just can't keep up with. We don't just need food, we need food. Try to make yourself sparse if you're ever around us the hours before Thanksgiving dinner--K?. Who thinks 3pm is a normal eating time anyways??

Both my parents have struggled with weight and health issues, honestly...for as long as I can remember. My dad didn't take care of himself and reaped the consequences when he suffered a massive stroke leaving him paralyzed on half of his body with semi-significant brain damage at just 47. My mom on the other hand, she's also struggled with weight, but managed to get it under control as a byproduct of managing her Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Me, annoying the crap out of my sister. 

The older we get the more we've learned about good and bad foods, trying to incorporate more of the good, and modifying the "bad" to at least be homemade from scratch if we are gonna go there. Afterall, everything is better from scratch, right? Something about being able to pronounce the ingredients I think.

All this to say, I'm pretty sure my parents passed some eating issues on to us kids, not to mention all those food commercials and ads calling our names. I don't blame them. If anything I am learning from them (how to incorporate the good, and not do the bad) so I am grateful for that. But as a young girl, single and child-less as I am, I decided today that I refuse to pass any insecurities or food issues on to my future children, or anyone I cross paths with until then. I refuse to abuse my body nor my mind in anyway. I will not let my insecurities get the best of me. And I REFUSE to pass any issues I have to my own kids. If that's not reason enough to get my ish together, then I don't know what is.

AE