A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

Every. Last. Bit.

You see, here's the thing. I was created to be exactly who I am. Through seasons of life I've struggled to understand why I was created to be the me that I am. I've felt a burden to myself and not good enough for others. I was not worthy.

Then there are those laughoutloud moments when I think I am the funniest person on earth, with the greatest family, the best of friends, and gifts from God I am grateful to have.

However, while the seasons of struggle are full of lies, those laughoutloud moments are always full of truth. I may not *actually* be the funniest person on earth, but I can be grateful that God gave me a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. When I feel like a burden, I know that I have family and friends who love me dearly just as I am. When I feel unworthy, I know that God has bestowed on me incredible gifts meant for his glory.

Satan would love nothing more than for me to cower away in shame, hiding who I am and who I was created to be. He would love for me to compare myself to others, put myself down, wish I had what others had, judge my sin, tear apart my soul and whittle away whatever confidence is left in me after being battered by what the world considers good, beautiful, and worth it.

I want to live in truth. I realize I am not perfect, and while I was created to be exactly who I am, I was not created to be exactly AS I am. God has work to do in me, and sadly there will always be work to do in me, so long as I live on this earth. While there is room for me to grow, I know that God loves me as I am. He doesn't love me for my potential, he just loves me.

It's time to embrace who God has created me to be.

Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I'm not much of a knitter, but I know there is a lot of work and intricacy involved in the process. God did not just throw me together. He very intentionally pieced me together in his image. While I am broken and in need of redemption, in me there are remnant's of God's character. Not only in me, but in you too. We are each created in God's image, and it's time we stop tearing ourselves apart and instead celebrate what God has given each of us individually. No one person is the same and for good reason. Only in community are we whole. The same body, but different parts.

Today I embrace that God has created me, Allison Elizabeth Morris. Every. Last. Bit.

#FLAB

My sisters and I adopted a new motivational phrase, created by yours truly, known as #FLAB--i.e. Fight Like a Bitch.

I guess I never really understood the value of a personal motivational statement until I created one of my own, that actually meant something to me. It's silly really, Fight Like A Bitch, but rings true for so many areas of life. When the going gets tough, FIGHT LIKE A BITCH.

Originally we started using the phrase in regard to working out. That's actually the most common use of it in conversation (via text of course). However, it can be used for so many areas of life.

It's been a really difficult year for me filled with significant anxiety and depression. I'm definitely through the worst of it, although seasons or situations do tend to bubble up some of those same feelings.  I stopped taking the meds I was on for about 8 months, with the guidance of my doctor, and after weaning off of those, finally starting feeling myself. The meds got me through the worst of the depression which I am grateful for, but ultimately made my feel groggy, very sleepy, and generally made me want to crawl out of my skin the last few months being on it.

However, after ending those meds, I knew I still wasn't 100%. There was still work to be done and quite a journey ahead. In all honesty, I am still IN that journey, but feel far enough away from some of it to speak in the past tense. Each day I feel more and more myself. I laugh more. Started finding humor in the everyday again. And finally don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or like I need to sleep off whatever emotion I am feeling. Sure, I've had my setbacks, last week being one of them, but through the right precautionary steps, some sleep, and time in community with those I love and don't feel drained by, I was able to work through that.

With the absence of meds but the determination to get back to myself, perhaps even a better version of myself, I decided that the only way to do it was to fight like a bitch. You know, get scrappy when you need to, hold your own, use your words, and not worry about what others think. I needed (and still need) to learn how to take care of myself, not caring what others think, while still respecting those around me. It's so true, if you do not love yourself, there is simply no way to genuinely love others. In the last year or so I was surviving on leftovers, leaving only table scraps for anyone else in my life.

So, fight like a bitch is my motto. It's what it always comes back to for me. Every workout complete? Fight like a bitch. Every counseling appointment checked off? Fight like a bitch. Need to just get up and out of bed to take on the day? FLAB. Eat right? FLAB.

Each moment I remember to FLAB, I am reminded that while life may not be easy and certain tasks may be more difficult, sometimes you just have to FIGHT. It helps me view myself as someone with STRENGTH and vitality. In each moment I choose to FLAB I am no longer a victim and instead a victor. I will take this life one moment at a time, fighting through each day. Maybe one day the fight will be easier for me, or I'll know better how to live in such a way that I don't always have to fight. But until that day comes I will continue to fight and let that fight strengthen me.

It's OK.

A dear friend of mine passed away last week after a seven year battle with cancer. She was a dear friend to not only me, but so many of my friends, co-workers, and even my hair-dresser. Karen was not onle the type of person to make friends easily, no matter where she went, but to make true friendships built on honesty, love, and true devotion to her faith. With every relationship she engaged in, her one true desire was to shine light on Jesus and bring others to understand him. 

Karen was our office mom. As young women, single, and fighting through life, Karen was always able to find us at our lowest of lows and celebrate with us at our highest moments. She had a daughter our age and could easily reminisce about her 20's, much similar to our own. 

This past Monday at our department meeting, one she usually held a significant role in, we took time at the start of our meeting to celebrate the things Karen taught us. Be it her attention to detail, fight for life, personal vigor, eagerness to learn, or love for people, we could all easily find something to share. After some time of sifting through my thoughts, what came to mind for me was that she taught me "It's OK." 

Like I mentioned before, Karen always managed to find me or some of my closest friends at our lowest of lows. Whether in regard to a broken friendship, unhealthy relationship, or possessive parents, Karen knew when where she was needed. She let us cry it out, sometimes in our greatest ugly cry, comforted us, validated our feelings, then told us it would be OK. And it wasn't just those words she shared with us, it was in the stories she told and the life experience she had. Karen had a way of saying, "ya, this sucks, and it's not fair, but it's not going to last and here is an example and a reason why." 

That's what I loved about Karen. Despite aging skin, thinning hair, and Buddha-like wisdom, you'd never know she was 30 years our senior. Karen could always find a way of relating to us and remembering exactly how she felt when she was in our shoes, decades ago. She could often even find ways of relating to us through experience she had even recently. Through these shared experiences she had a way of taking away the loneliness and breaking through the barrier of isolation. 

Not only did she show us that it's OK and it's going to be OK, she taught us to fight through it. Karen fought cancer twice in seven years. And she did it with a smile on her face. What got her through it? Family, and relationships, and the community she experienced at work. Near the end, Karen felt pain daily. And yet despite that pain, she chose joy. Instead of living in the misery of physical pain, and the emotional torture of life being taken out from underneath of her, she chose to celebrate the big and small and fight her way through the battle she faced. 

While on earth we know that Karen lost the battle, I am confident she won the ultimate prize and is celebrating whole-heartedly, waiting for the day we can join her. Dwelling on the negative and living in self-pity would have ruined so much of Karen's journey. If that's true of her story, then it must be true of mine also. 

Today, I choose joy, because I know it's going to be OK. 

The Napping Girl

This week started out a little rough for me, for reasons unknown and others known. I was a bit frustrated after having such a peaceful week or two, but such is life. I have to remind myself sometimes that one, or even two bad days doesn't translate to a lifetime of torture. I think the further I get from the difficult year I've had the easier it will be to remember that. In the meantime, fake it 'til ya make it...that's my motto :).  

Similarly, I don't think I am far enough away from this year to understand any of it. The year is still too close to me, breathing down my neck at times time or buzzing around my temples as I swat it away with the force of a hurricane. The difference between now and a few months ago is that I finally have the energy to swat. Not even 6 months ago I would have rather crawled back into bed, not necessarily out of depression, although that was a major issue at the time, but because of serious exhaustion (or perhaps they are the same thing). I experienced the kind of tired where no coffee, no quiet room, no comfy bed or cozy chair would do me any good. After a night of "sleep" I just wanted to go back to bed, and I often did. After lunch, it took all my energy not to crawl under my desk and curl up in fetal position with the cords of my computer nestled somewhere in between. By dinner time I was ready for a catnap to get me through the rest of the night. And by bedtime, I simply wanted to disappear into a winter slumber. See ya in the spring! 

Without getting into it, although eventually I probably will, I am on my way out of that droopy-eye-foggy-brain time of my life. I still get a little groggy every now and then, and sometimes I still give into that post-work evening nap. That's the one that kills me even still. WHY oh WHY does it still seem like a good idea to sleep just hours before bed?! Oh well, in comparison, I am down to 1occasional nap instead of the compulsion for 3. Soon enough I'll be out of my infantile life and back to a full fledged adult. 

I am grateful for modern medicine and it's ability to heal us from the inside out. At the same time, after 8 months of legal doping (no seriously, I felt like Dopey), it was time to be done. If I wasn't sleeping all I wanted was to crawl out of my skin and leave it on the side of the road for some wandering animal to feast off of. I was just done.

After e-mailing, meeting with, and practically begging my doctor for the second or third time to wean me off my meds, she FINALLY said we could give it a try. I waited as patiently as possible after my initial attempts, not wanting any serious backlash that might send me into a deeper depression or give me some new issue. 

Almost a month later, I feel human again. Each morning I am GRATEFUL to not feel like I need to go back to bed. For 8 months or so it wasn't even an option, I had to. To feel refreshed in the morning and through most of the day is an incredible blessing I can no longer take for granted. It's encouraging and gives me hope for each day. As GRATEFUL as I am for modern medicine and it's ability to heal, I am even MORE grateful to be done with it. 

It's only been a month, so I think there is still more normalcy to come. Maybe this week I'll have the energy to fight through my occasional craving for a dinnertime slumber. Each week I feel more and more normal. I feel at PEACE. I feel CONTENT. I feel HOPEFUL. If I am being realistic, I don't feel all of those emotions every moment of every day, but for once in a long while they finally outnumber the negative, sleepy emotions that plagued me for far too long. 

A few years ago I chose "Peace and Hope" as words that would be the theme of my year (2009 perhaps?). I've chosen other words in years since, but none resonated with me more than those words. That year I truly felt not only peace and hope, but also joy. Perhaps it's time I reinstate those words, not just for this season or next year of my life, but for eternity. I don't think you can ever go wrong with either of those words or emotions. You just can't.