A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

One for the Books

I'm not supposed to be online right now. Or doing anything "stimulating" (i.e. with a screen) for that matter. But I do have a glass of wine beside me, so the two must cancel out, right?

It's been one of those weeks. Months. Years even. So many unexpected changes have occurred in the last 1-2 weeks, and I am ready for the change to stop and the dust to finally settle. The same could be said, however, of the last year of my life. I had mixed feelings about turning 25. It's a nice round number, robust with life, eager to learn, but lacking direction. Since 25 I've experienced a lot of change and transition, therefore to end the year in the same way make perfect sense in a world that doesn't tend to make much of it.

This year was one for the books. I can't say I'll look back on it fondly, but I have a feeling it's one of those years that is shaping and molding me more drastically than ever into the person I will become. It's not a year I'll want to repeat, but to say it was worthless would be unfair. I've experienced major changes, loss, death, depression, confusion, and a general feeling of stagnancy. Marriage, babies, engagements, quitting jobs, traveling the world, job changes, moves, deaths...you name it I've watched it, lived it, or walked through it.

I wish I had the perspective to be able to see it for what it was worth, but at this point I am still too close to understand. Each day I fight to be the me I used to be, and the me I've become. What parts of me remain? What had been chiseled away with good reason? And what do I do with what's left?

Whatever I once thought I knew, I no longer know. Whatever "sure things" I used to think I now question.

Of all years this is the hardest one to embrace. This has been the most difficult year to celebrate. There is nothing "light" about this year, but I pray that it was not in vain. I also pray for this next year to be healthier, and funner, and filled with joy. I pray this next year will be one to celebrate...another one for the books.

It's OK.

A dear friend of mine passed away last week after a seven year battle with cancer. She was a dear friend to not only me, but so many of my friends, co-workers, and even my hair-dresser. Karen was not onle the type of person to make friends easily, no matter where she went, but to make true friendships built on honesty, love, and true devotion to her faith. With every relationship she engaged in, her one true desire was to shine light on Jesus and bring others to understand him. 

Karen was our office mom. As young women, single, and fighting through life, Karen was always able to find us at our lowest of lows and celebrate with us at our highest moments. She had a daughter our age and could easily reminisce about her 20's, much similar to our own. 

This past Monday at our department meeting, one she usually held a significant role in, we took time at the start of our meeting to celebrate the things Karen taught us. Be it her attention to detail, fight for life, personal vigor, eagerness to learn, or love for people, we could all easily find something to share. After some time of sifting through my thoughts, what came to mind for me was that she taught me "It's OK." 

Like I mentioned before, Karen always managed to find me or some of my closest friends at our lowest of lows. Whether in regard to a broken friendship, unhealthy relationship, or possessive parents, Karen knew when where she was needed. She let us cry it out, sometimes in our greatest ugly cry, comforted us, validated our feelings, then told us it would be OK. And it wasn't just those words she shared with us, it was in the stories she told and the life experience she had. Karen had a way of saying, "ya, this sucks, and it's not fair, but it's not going to last and here is an example and a reason why." 

That's what I loved about Karen. Despite aging skin, thinning hair, and Buddha-like wisdom, you'd never know she was 30 years our senior. Karen could always find a way of relating to us and remembering exactly how she felt when she was in our shoes, decades ago. She could often even find ways of relating to us through experience she had even recently. Through these shared experiences she had a way of taking away the loneliness and breaking through the barrier of isolation. 

Not only did she show us that it's OK and it's going to be OK, she taught us to fight through it. Karen fought cancer twice in seven years. And she did it with a smile on her face. What got her through it? Family, and relationships, and the community she experienced at work. Near the end, Karen felt pain daily. And yet despite that pain, she chose joy. Instead of living in the misery of physical pain, and the emotional torture of life being taken out from underneath of her, she chose to celebrate the big and small and fight her way through the battle she faced. 

While on earth we know that Karen lost the battle, I am confident she won the ultimate prize and is celebrating whole-heartedly, waiting for the day we can join her. Dwelling on the negative and living in self-pity would have ruined so much of Karen's journey. If that's true of her story, then it must be true of mine also. 

Today, I choose joy, because I know it's going to be OK. 

Figure Out My Ish

I've started a multitude of blogs at this point. With each one I hoped the theme would catch on, or at that it would at least give me an excuse to practice writing. Well, I never really found a theme I loved or a direction to go in. I got some writing practice but not exactly enough to get that book deal I've been hoping for.

With the help of my sisters I've mulled over themes, directions, and blog titles. "Anthropology of a Girl" actually landed on one of my brainstorm lists at least a year ago. I liked the way it sounded, but didn't know exactly what to do with it.

I'm not a very impulsive person. It's not that I can't make decisions, it's that I can't make a decision when the decision doesn't really matter. I like to mull over those kinds of decisions. I especaially struggle in the decision making process when it comes to things that will represent who I am. Art, design, decorating, and shopping are things that come to mind. I only want to present exaclty who I am, and nothing to the contrary.

So you can imagine the mulling I went over in regard to this blog. Actually-don't bother. I'll save you the horror and get to the point of why I'm starting this blog.

I am a single girl in her 20's. I live on my own, I work full-time. I love my family and have incredible friends. So much is good in life. Ilovemylife.

But then there are the moments that totally suck. Money comes to mind. And sometimes work. And schedules. And balancing everything there is to balance (i.e. everything).

One thing I know for sure though is that I am learning a LOT. I'm learning about myself, relationships, work, faith, just everything. It wasn't until about a year ago that I realized your 20's are a very unique and short period in life. While they feel forever long at times, I know they will be over in a split second.

I am a fully grown adult who can make her own decisons. I do not answer anyone. I take care only of myself. I make my own schedule and do as I please. This will only last so long so I want to make the most of it. I figure, I might as well figure out my own ish while I have the time, so when *one day* I actually do get married, then we have a little bit less ish to figure out together. Maybe I'm naive, but it sounds like a pretty good theory to me.

So that's why I have this blog. I am here to figure out my ish and to learn how to enjoy it in the process. I want to love life and embrace this day, and every day to come.

This is the anthropology of a girl.