A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

Internal Peace

I have felt more internal peace in the last week than I have in the last month combined. I've been able to move through my days without angst or anger. I am being reminded that God has not forgotten me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. When he says "wait" it is for good reason. He is doing a good work in me and is molding and making me into who he wants me to be. 

I lovelovelove the feeling of internal peace. It's a similar feeling to that of going away to college for the first time. All of the sudden, after your family has left and all that remains is boxes to unpack and a future to unfold, you realize you are not bound by any specific rules or regulations, boundaries or curfews. While in that moment I may not do anything all that differently than in my former angst-filled boundaried life, now I am able to be more fully myself, making choices daily, moment by moment that speak to the freedom I live in under Christ. To live in Christ's freedom is greater than any of life's adventures. 

For once my mind is at ease. I can sit in one place and simply not think. I suppose that is what you call "being" and not "doing." I am a really great doer, but I'd much rather be. There is so much freedom in being as you were made in Christ's image. If ignorance is bliss then freedom is fierce. It takes over all of who you are. It releases you completely. If you are truly free, no single part of you can be bound. There is no such thing as being "partially" released from prison. You either are or you aren't. It's all all or nothing deal. 

I'm not sure how to make it happen. It's not something you can force, but it is something that is available to us all. I know I live in freedom, but it's another thing to fully embrace it. I'm not sure how I got to this place. It's definitely not by my own doing. I have God's grace to thank for this state I am in. It's a "state" only by earthy standards, because it's available to me always. I'm not about to sit and try to figure out how I got here. I'm just going to be thankful for it.