If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.
There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.
Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....
ANXIETY
And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.
Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.
Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.
Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.
I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Monday, November 19, 2012
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Every. Last. Bit.
You see, here's the thing. I was created to be exactly who I am. Through seasons of life I've struggled to understand why I was created to be the me that I am. I've felt a burden to myself and not good enough for others. I was not worthy.
Then there are those laughoutloud moments when I think I am the funniest person on earth, with the greatest family, the best of friends, and gifts from God I am grateful to have.
However, while the seasons of struggle are full of lies, those laughoutloud moments are always full of truth. I may not *actually* be the funniest person on earth, but I can be grateful that God gave me a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. When I feel like a burden, I know that I have family and friends who love me dearly just as I am. When I feel unworthy, I know that God has bestowed on me incredible gifts meant for his glory.
Satan would love nothing more than for me to cower away in shame, hiding who I am and who I was created to be. He would love for me to compare myself to others, put myself down, wish I had what others had, judge my sin, tear apart my soul and whittle away whatever confidence is left in me after being battered by what the world considers good, beautiful, and worth it.
I want to live in truth. I realize I am not perfect, and while I was created to be exactly who I am, I was not created to be exactly AS I am. God has work to do in me, and sadly there will always be work to do in me, so long as I live on this earth. While there is room for me to grow, I know that God loves me as I am. He doesn't love me for my potential, he just loves me.
It's time to embrace who God has created me to be.
Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I'm not much of a knitter, but I know there is a lot of work and intricacy involved in the process. God did not just throw me together. He very intentionally pieced me together in his image. While I am broken and in need of redemption, in me there are remnant's of God's character. Not only in me, but in you too. We are each created in God's image, and it's time we stop tearing ourselves apart and instead celebrate what God has given each of us individually. No one person is the same and for good reason. Only in community are we whole. The same body, but different parts.
Today I embrace that God has created me, Allison Elizabeth Morris. Every. Last. Bit.
Then there are those laughoutloud moments when I think I am the funniest person on earth, with the greatest family, the best of friends, and gifts from God I am grateful to have.
However, while the seasons of struggle are full of lies, those laughoutloud moments are always full of truth. I may not *actually* be the funniest person on earth, but I can be grateful that God gave me a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. When I feel like a burden, I know that I have family and friends who love me dearly just as I am. When I feel unworthy, I know that God has bestowed on me incredible gifts meant for his glory.
Satan would love nothing more than for me to cower away in shame, hiding who I am and who I was created to be. He would love for me to compare myself to others, put myself down, wish I had what others had, judge my sin, tear apart my soul and whittle away whatever confidence is left in me after being battered by what the world considers good, beautiful, and worth it.
I want to live in truth. I realize I am not perfect, and while I was created to be exactly who I am, I was not created to be exactly AS I am. God has work to do in me, and sadly there will always be work to do in me, so long as I live on this earth. While there is room for me to grow, I know that God loves me as I am. He doesn't love me for my potential, he just loves me.
It's time to embrace who God has created me to be.
Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I'm not much of a knitter, but I know there is a lot of work and intricacy involved in the process. God did not just throw me together. He very intentionally pieced me together in his image. While I am broken and in need of redemption, in me there are remnant's of God's character. Not only in me, but in you too. We are each created in God's image, and it's time we stop tearing ourselves apart and instead celebrate what God has given each of us individually. No one person is the same and for good reason. Only in community are we whole. The same body, but different parts.
Today I embrace that God has created me, Allison Elizabeth Morris. Every. Last. Bit.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
#FLAB
My sisters and I adopted a new motivational phrase, created by yours truly, known as #FLAB--i.e. Fight Like a Bitch.
I guess I never really understood the value of a personal motivational statement until I created one of my own, that actually meant something to me. It's silly really, Fight Like A Bitch, but rings true for so many areas of life. When the going gets tough, FIGHT LIKE A BITCH.
Originally we started using the phrase in regard to working out. That's actually the most common use of it in conversation (via text of course). However, it can be used for so many areas of life.
It's been a really difficult year for me filled with significant anxiety and depression. I'm definitely through the worst of it, although seasons or situations do tend to bubble up some of those same feelings. I stopped taking the meds I was on for about 8 months, with the guidance of my doctor, and after weaning off of those, finally starting feeling myself. The meds got me through the worst of the depression which I am grateful for, but ultimately made my feel groggy, very sleepy, and generally made me want to crawl out of my skin the last few months being on it.
However, after ending those meds, I knew I still wasn't 100%. There was still work to be done and quite a journey ahead. In all honesty, I am still IN that journey, but feel far enough away from some of it to speak in the past tense. Each day I feel more and more myself. I laugh more. Started finding humor in the everyday again. And finally don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or like I need to sleep off whatever emotion I am feeling. Sure, I've had my setbacks, last week being one of them, but through the right precautionary steps, some sleep, and time in community with those I love and don't feel drained by, I was able to work through that.
With the absence of meds but the determination to get back to myself, perhaps even a better version of myself, I decided that the only way to do it was to fight like a bitch. You know, get scrappy when you need to, hold your own, use your words, and not worry about what others think. I needed (and still need) to learn how to take care of myself, not caring what others think, while still respecting those around me. It's so true, if you do not love yourself, there is simply no way to genuinely love others. In the last year or so I was surviving on leftovers, leaving only table scraps for anyone else in my life.
So, fight like a bitch is my motto. It's what it always comes back to for me. Every workout complete? Fight like a bitch. Every counseling appointment checked off? Fight like a bitch. Need to just get up and out of bed to take on the day? FLAB. Eat right? FLAB.
Each moment I remember to FLAB, I am reminded that while life may not be easy and certain tasks may be more difficult, sometimes you just have to FIGHT. It helps me view myself as someone with STRENGTH and vitality. In each moment I choose to FLAB I am no longer a victim and instead a victor. I will take this life one moment at a time, fighting through each day. Maybe one day the fight will be easier for me, or I'll know better how to live in such a way that I don't always have to fight. But until that day comes I will continue to fight and let that fight strengthen me.
I guess I never really understood the value of a personal motivational statement until I created one of my own, that actually meant something to me. It's silly really, Fight Like A Bitch, but rings true for so many areas of life. When the going gets tough, FIGHT LIKE A BITCH.
Originally we started using the phrase in regard to working out. That's actually the most common use of it in conversation (via text of course). However, it can be used for so many areas of life.
It's been a really difficult year for me filled with significant anxiety and depression. I'm definitely through the worst of it, although seasons or situations do tend to bubble up some of those same feelings. I stopped taking the meds I was on for about 8 months, with the guidance of my doctor, and after weaning off of those, finally starting feeling myself. The meds got me through the worst of the depression which I am grateful for, but ultimately made my feel groggy, very sleepy, and generally made me want to crawl out of my skin the last few months being on it.
However, after ending those meds, I knew I still wasn't 100%. There was still work to be done and quite a journey ahead. In all honesty, I am still IN that journey, but feel far enough away from some of it to speak in the past tense. Each day I feel more and more myself. I laugh more. Started finding humor in the everyday again. And finally don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or like I need to sleep off whatever emotion I am feeling. Sure, I've had my setbacks, last week being one of them, but through the right precautionary steps, some sleep, and time in community with those I love and don't feel drained by, I was able to work through that.
With the absence of meds but the determination to get back to myself, perhaps even a better version of myself, I decided that the only way to do it was to fight like a bitch. You know, get scrappy when you need to, hold your own, use your words, and not worry about what others think. I needed (and still need) to learn how to take care of myself, not caring what others think, while still respecting those around me. It's so true, if you do not love yourself, there is simply no way to genuinely love others. In the last year or so I was surviving on leftovers, leaving only table scraps for anyone else in my life.
So, fight like a bitch is my motto. It's what it always comes back to for me. Every workout complete? Fight like a bitch. Every counseling appointment checked off? Fight like a bitch. Need to just get up and out of bed to take on the day? FLAB. Eat right? FLAB.
Each moment I remember to FLAB, I am reminded that while life may not be easy and certain tasks may be more difficult, sometimes you just have to FIGHT. It helps me view myself as someone with STRENGTH and vitality. In each moment I choose to FLAB I am no longer a victim and instead a victor. I will take this life one moment at a time, fighting through each day. Maybe one day the fight will be easier for me, or I'll know better how to live in such a way that I don't always have to fight. But until that day comes I will continue to fight and let that fight strengthen me.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Where I'd Rather Be
I envy my roommate right now. I know that I shouldn't. That envy, I am pretty sure, is one of the seven deadly sins. But seriously I can't help but envy her right now.
Why do you ask? Because my roommate is currently on a plane, on her way to Kenya with a group of people from our church. I don't know exactly what she'll be doing there-I am pretty sure she doesn't even know. BUT, she will be in Africa, experiencing the best that God and life has to offer.
You see, it's on the missions field that I feel the most alive and the most at peace. Anxiety ceases and depression disappears. Life abounds and flows freely.
It's on the missions field that I experience true freedom. Freedom from the chains and social media that bind me. Freedom from work, life, and every nagging e-mail pulling at my shirttails.
It's on the missions field that I feel at home. It's where the best of me shines through, which isn't the best of me at all really, but the love of Jesus that can finally shine through my rough, calloused, and damaged exterior.
It's on the missions field that I am where I want to be. There really is no place I'd rather be than on the missions field, doing as God has called me to do.
You see, this is why I envy my roommate. I wish I were there. I wish I could experience the life changing moments and epic stories that I know will mold and shape her for eternity. I wish I could be there to love on the people who need God's love the most. I wish I could be there to see the beauty God has gifted to that country and those people.
But I know my time will come. I've had the pleasure of experiencing these things not only in my lifetime, but even in the last year of my life. I can only hope and pray for new opportunities to experience such true joy once again.
And until that day comes, I will celebrate the opportunity for someone I hold dear to my heart to experience thees things. For it would be unfair of me to keep such joy from the ones I love.
Why do you ask? Because my roommate is currently on a plane, on her way to Kenya with a group of people from our church. I don't know exactly what she'll be doing there-I am pretty sure she doesn't even know. BUT, she will be in Africa, experiencing the best that God and life has to offer.
You see, it's on the missions field that I feel the most alive and the most at peace. Anxiety ceases and depression disappears. Life abounds and flows freely.
It's on the missions field that I experience true freedom. Freedom from the chains and social media that bind me. Freedom from work, life, and every nagging e-mail pulling at my shirttails.
It's on the missions field that I feel at home. It's where the best of me shines through, which isn't the best of me at all really, but the love of Jesus that can finally shine through my rough, calloused, and damaged exterior.
It's on the missions field that I am where I want to be. There really is no place I'd rather be than on the missions field, doing as God has called me to do.
You see, this is why I envy my roommate. I wish I were there. I wish I could experience the life changing moments and epic stories that I know will mold and shape her for eternity. I wish I could be there to love on the people who need God's love the most. I wish I could be there to see the beauty God has gifted to that country and those people.
But I know my time will come. I've had the pleasure of experiencing these things not only in my lifetime, but even in the last year of my life. I can only hope and pray for new opportunities to experience such true joy once again.
And until that day comes, I will celebrate the opportunity for someone I hold dear to my heart to experience thees things. For it would be unfair of me to keep such joy from the ones I love.
One for the Books
I'm not supposed to be online right now. Or doing anything "stimulating" (i.e. with a screen) for that matter. But I do have a glass of wine beside me, so the two must cancel out, right?
It's been one of those weeks. Months. Years even. So many unexpected changes have occurred in the last 1-2 weeks, and I am ready for the change to stop and the dust to finally settle. The same could be said, however, of the last year of my life. I had mixed feelings about turning 25. It's a nice round number, robust with life, eager to learn, but lacking direction. Since 25 I've experienced a lot of change and transition, therefore to end the year in the same way make perfect sense in a world that doesn't tend to make much of it.
This year was one for the books. I can't say I'll look back on it fondly, but I have a feeling it's one of those years that is shaping and molding me more drastically than ever into the person I will become. It's not a year I'll want to repeat, but to say it was worthless would be unfair. I've experienced major changes, loss, death, depression, confusion, and a general feeling of stagnancy. Marriage, babies, engagements, quitting jobs, traveling the world, job changes, moves, deaths...you name it I've watched it, lived it, or walked through it.
I wish I had the perspective to be able to see it for what it was worth, but at this point I am still too close to understand. Each day I fight to be the me I used to be, and the me I've become. What parts of me remain? What had been chiseled away with good reason? And what do I do with what's left?
Whatever I once thought I knew, I no longer know. Whatever "sure things" I used to think I now question.
Of all years this is the hardest one to embrace. This has been the most difficult year to celebrate. There is nothing "light" about this year, but I pray that it was not in vain. I also pray for this next year to be healthier, and funner, and filled with joy. I pray this next year will be one to celebrate...another one for the books.
It's OK.
A dear friend of mine passed away last week after a seven year battle with cancer. She was a dear friend to not only me, but so many of my friends, co-workers, and even my hair-dresser. Karen was not onle the type of person to make friends easily, no matter where she went, but to make true friendships built on honesty, love, and true devotion to her faith. With every relationship she engaged in, her one true desire was to shine light on Jesus and bring others to understand him.
Karen was our office mom. As young women, single, and fighting through life, Karen was always able to find us at our lowest of lows and celebrate with us at our highest moments. She had a daughter our age and could easily reminisce about her 20's, much similar to our own.
This past Monday at our department meeting, one she usually held a significant role in, we took time at the start of our meeting to celebrate the things Karen taught us. Be it her attention to detail, fight for life, personal vigor, eagerness to learn, or love for people, we could all easily find something to share. After some time of sifting through my thoughts, what came to mind for me was that she taught me "It's OK."
Like I mentioned before, Karen always managed to find me or some of my closest friends at our lowest of lows. Whether in regard to a broken friendship, unhealthy relationship, or possessive parents, Karen knew when where she was needed. She let us cry it out, sometimes in our greatest ugly cry, comforted us, validated our feelings, then told us it would be OK. And it wasn't just those words she shared with us, it was in the stories she told and the life experience she had. Karen had a way of saying, "ya, this sucks, and it's not fair, but it's not going to last and here is an example and a reason why."
That's what I loved about Karen. Despite aging skin, thinning hair, and Buddha-like wisdom, you'd never know she was 30 years our senior. Karen could always find a way of relating to us and remembering exactly how she felt when she was in our shoes, decades ago. She could often even find ways of relating to us through experience she had even recently. Through these shared experiences she had a way of taking away the loneliness and breaking through the barrier of isolation.
Not only did she show us that it's OK and it's going to be OK, she taught us to fight through it. Karen fought cancer twice in seven years. And she did it with a smile on her face. What got her through it? Family, and relationships, and the community she experienced at work. Near the end, Karen felt pain daily. And yet despite that pain, she chose joy. Instead of living in the misery of physical pain, and the emotional torture of life being taken out from underneath of her, she chose to celebrate the big and small and fight her way through the battle she faced.
While on earth we know that Karen lost the battle, I am confident she won the ultimate prize and is celebrating whole-heartedly, waiting for the day we can join her. Dwelling on the negative and living in self-pity would have ruined so much of Karen's journey. If that's true of her story, then it must be true of mine also.
Today, I choose joy, because I know it's going to be OK.
Friday, August 31, 2012
The Napping Girl
This week started out a little rough for me, for reasons unknown and others known. I was a bit frustrated after having such a peaceful week or two, but such is life. I have to remind myself sometimes that one, or even two bad days doesn't translate to a lifetime of torture. I think the further I get from the difficult year I've had the easier it will be to remember that. In the meantime, fake it 'til ya make it...that's my motto :).
Similarly, I don't think I am far enough away from this year to understand any of it. The year is still too close to me, breathing down my neck at times time or buzzing around my temples as I swat it away with the force of a hurricane. The difference between now and a few months ago is that I finally have the energy to swat. Not even 6 months ago I would have rather crawled back into bed, not necessarily out of depression, although that was a major issue at the time, but because of serious exhaustion (or perhaps they are the same thing). I experienced the kind of tired where no coffee, no quiet room, no comfy bed or cozy chair would do me any good. After a night of "sleep" I just wanted to go back to bed, and I often did. After lunch, it took all my energy not to crawl under my desk and curl up in fetal position with the cords of my computer nestled somewhere in between. By dinner time I was ready for a catnap to get me through the rest of the night. And by bedtime, I simply wanted to disappear into a winter slumber. See ya in the spring!
Without getting into it, although eventually I probably will, I am on my way out of that droopy-eye-foggy-brain time of my life. I still get a little groggy every now and then, and sometimes I still give into that post-work evening nap. That's the one that kills me even still. WHY oh WHY does it still seem like a good idea to sleep just hours before bed?! Oh well, in comparison, I am down to 1occasional nap instead of the compulsion for 3. Soon enough I'll be out of my infantile life and back to a full fledged adult.
I am grateful for modern medicine and it's ability to heal us from the inside out. At the same time, after 8 months of legal doping (no seriously, I felt like Dopey), it was time to be done. If I wasn't sleeping all I wanted was to crawl out of my skin and leave it on the side of the road for some wandering animal to feast off of. I was just done.
After e-mailing, meeting with, and practically begging my doctor for the second or third time to wean me off my meds, she FINALLY said we could give it a try. I waited as patiently as possible after my initial attempts, not wanting any serious backlash that might send me into a deeper depression or give me some new issue.
Almost a month later, I feel human again. Each morning I am GRATEFUL to not feel like I need to go back to bed. For 8 months or so it wasn't even an option, I had to. To feel refreshed in the morning and through most of the day is an incredible blessing I can no longer take for granted. It's encouraging and gives me hope for each day. As GRATEFUL as I am for modern medicine and it's ability to heal, I am even MORE grateful to be done with it.
It's only been a month, so I think there is still more normalcy to come. Maybe this week I'll have the energy to fight through my occasional craving for a dinnertime slumber. Each week I feel more and more normal. I feel at PEACE. I feel CONTENT. I feel HOPEFUL. If I am being realistic, I don't feel all of those emotions every moment of every day, but for once in a long while they finally outnumber the negative, sleepy emotions that plagued me for far too long.
A few years ago I chose "Peace and Hope" as words that would be the theme of my year (2009 perhaps?). I've chosen other words in years since, but none resonated with me more than those words. That year I truly felt not only peace and hope, but also joy. Perhaps it's time I reinstate those words, not just for this season or next year of my life, but for eternity. I don't think you can ever go wrong with either of those words or emotions. You just can't.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Where I Am
Normally I would feel sad or frustrated or even left behind right now, but instead I feel calm pace that tells me there is reason and timing for everything. It's really not even about my time or when my time will come, because it's not about me. It's not about my plan or what steps lie ahead of me. If this is where God has me then this is his plan and call on my life. This is where he wants me.
Today is all I can know; this day is the only thing I can do anything with. Dwelling on the past doesn't change anything and focusing on the future doesn't make it happen any faster.
Contentment is a tricky thing. It's being at peace every. step. of. the. way. It's not wanting more or change or less or anything different. It's accepting things as they are. It's choosing joy in all circumstances.
My mom always says "nothing good or bad lasts forever" and it couldn't be more true. That phrase is often what helps me cling to the contentment that feels so far off at times.
I know in my knower God is working in me. He is creating me to be the person he created me to be. I am already created in his perfect image (as imperfect as I am) but now he has a lifetime to refine me and bring out the qualities in me that are most useful to him. Because again, it's not about me.
If I could cling to this peace forever I would. I will. I've been through a tough season. I'm near the tail end of it, and this feeling, this state of living is a true blessing. It's one I have longed for, feeling like it was an eternity away. But it's wasn't. Although there are times where God feels distant, he is not. He is actually very present yet still there is so much left of him to be revealed. My God is both now and not yet. He is very present on this earth, but the fullness of who he is-his kingdom- has not yet been fully revealed. I'm excited for when it is revealed. But for now, I will be grateful for that which he has already shown us. Which is more than any of us deserve.
Today is all I can know; this day is the only thing I can do anything with. Dwelling on the past doesn't change anything and focusing on the future doesn't make it happen any faster.
Contentment is a tricky thing. It's being at peace every. step. of. the. way. It's not wanting more or change or less or anything different. It's accepting things as they are. It's choosing joy in all circumstances.
My mom always says "nothing good or bad lasts forever" and it couldn't be more true. That phrase is often what helps me cling to the contentment that feels so far off at times.
I know in my knower God is working in me. He is creating me to be the person he created me to be. I am already created in his perfect image (as imperfect as I am) but now he has a lifetime to refine me and bring out the qualities in me that are most useful to him. Because again, it's not about me.
If I could cling to this peace forever I would. I will. I've been through a tough season. I'm near the tail end of it, and this feeling, this state of living is a true blessing. It's one I have longed for, feeling like it was an eternity away. But it's wasn't. Although there are times where God feels distant, he is not. He is actually very present yet still there is so much left of him to be revealed. My God is both now and not yet. He is very present on this earth, but the fullness of who he is-his kingdom- has not yet been fully revealed. I'm excited for when it is revealed. But for now, I will be grateful for that which he has already shown us. Which is more than any of us deserve.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Internal Peace
I have felt more internal peace in the last week than I have in the last month combined. I've been able to move through my days without angst or anger. I am being reminded that God has not forgotten me. He knows exactly what I need and when I need it. When he says "wait" it is for good reason. He is doing a good work in me and is molding and making me into who he wants me to be.
I lovelovelove the feeling of internal peace. It's a similar feeling to that of going away to college for the first time. All of the sudden, after your family has left and all that remains is boxes to unpack and a future to unfold, you realize you are not bound by any specific rules or regulations, boundaries or curfews. While in that moment I may not do anything all that differently than in my former angst-filled boundaried life, now I am able to be more fully myself, making choices daily, moment by moment that speak to the freedom I live in under Christ. To live in Christ's freedom is greater than any of life's adventures.
For once my mind is at ease. I can sit in one place and simply not think. I suppose that is what you call "being" and not "doing." I am a really great doer, but I'd much rather be. There is so much freedom in being as you were made in Christ's image. If ignorance is bliss then freedom is fierce. It takes over all of who you are. It releases you completely. If you are truly free, no single part of you can be bound. There is no such thing as being "partially" released from prison. You either are or you aren't. It's all all or nothing deal.
I'm not sure how to make it happen. It's not something you can force, but it is something that is available to us all. I know I live in freedom, but it's another thing to fully embrace it. I'm not sure how I got to this place. It's definitely not by my own doing. I have God's grace to thank for this state I am in. It's a "state" only by earthy standards, because it's available to me always. I'm not about to sit and try to figure out how I got here. I'm just going to be thankful for it.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wired for More
I'm feeling very behind on life right about now. It's December 1st, but might as well be January for all I know. I realized how behind I am when I discovered yesterday that the future queen is pregnant. Seriously, how did I miss such a thing?? I guess it's not "official" yet, but I'm thoroughly convinced 99% of celebrity gossip is true. Am I right?
Anyways. I'm someone who thrives on routine and I've had little to none of that for who knows how long. I feel like I live life searching for this thing I used to have, but can't actually remember having. I say I love routine, but how often do I actually have it? I think I may need to start working on living well without a routine because this whole "no time to clean, eat well, work hard, workout, spend time with friends, have a life, go to the grocery store, blog, and discover the secret to life" thing is just not working out for me these days. At this point inconsistency is the most consistent thing in my life.
I want so badly to have time and space to do things I want to do. I want to craft, bake, cook, pack my lunch, meet friends for coffee, look at Christmas lights, enjoy the season, make my bed, send advent calendars before the 1st of December, hang my clothes, and finish laundry, but apparently that's all easier said than done. And I can tell laziness is not a factor considering I can't keep up with t.v., blogs, news, or even twitter. Life moves at such a fast pace these days I simply can't keep up. To be honest, I don't think I even really want to keep up.
The thing is, I know this isn't just a "me" thing. I know everyone feels this way at times, probably more often than not. Is it a California thing? A generational thing? What is it that makes us go, go, go, and think more, more more, and want more, more more, and keep going until we burn out but never feel satisfied? There are so many things I want more of, and so many things I want that I don't have. I am pretty sure this is (unfortunately) how we are wired straight out of the womb. It's as if those ultrasound machines are not just taking pictures of us in there, it's like they are sending message to us saying, "enjoy the time while you have it, 'cuz you're never going to have this peace and quiet again."
I want more but at the same time I don't. Along with my other New Year's Resolutions of watching the news and being more informed (oops), 2011 was supposed to be the year I tried to be content. Each year, since only a few years ago, I've chosen a word or two that I wanted to be the theme of my year. Last year was "peace and joy". This year, contentment. With all that life throws us, and all that it keeps from us, my goal for this year was to be content with what I already have. I want to see the blessings in each day, even through trials. I want to be a grateful person, satisfied by what incredible gifts I have already been given.
Seeing the blessings is easier than I thought it would be, but not wanting more of them is the hard part. Blessings are like free gifts...they are pretty darn awesome when you get them, you don't usually expect them, and no matter how small they are, free is always good. However, you also don't generally seek after free gifts. Free gifts are given because someone wants to give them to you. You can't expect them, but you best appreciate when you get them!!
In the busyness of today, my goal is to appreciate what I have, not worrying about the time, money, or life that I don't. Who really cares if my bed goes unmade? Who cares if my laundry is still sitting in the dryer? Why do advent calendars have to start on December 1st anyways? Silly traditions. I've got a month left to work on this whole "contentment" thing. Of course I'll continue to work on it in the new year, but in these last 31 days of 2011 my hope is to stay totally focused on it (eek!). They say habits take 3 weeks to form. I've been working on contentment for about 48 weeks now, maybe it'll finally stick in the last 4.
What was your goal(s) for 2011?
What will your goal(s) be for 2012?
Anyways. I'm someone who thrives on routine and I've had little to none of that for who knows how long. I feel like I live life searching for this thing I used to have, but can't actually remember having. I say I love routine, but how often do I actually have it? I think I may need to start working on living well without a routine because this whole "no time to clean, eat well, work hard, workout, spend time with friends, have a life, go to the grocery store, blog, and discover the secret to life" thing is just not working out for me these days. At this point inconsistency is the most consistent thing in my life.
I want so badly to have time and space to do things I want to do. I want to craft, bake, cook, pack my lunch, meet friends for coffee, look at Christmas lights, enjoy the season, make my bed, send advent calendars before the 1st of December, hang my clothes, and finish laundry, but apparently that's all easier said than done. And I can tell laziness is not a factor considering I can't keep up with t.v., blogs, news, or even twitter. Life moves at such a fast pace these days I simply can't keep up. To be honest, I don't think I even really want to keep up.
The thing is, I know this isn't just a "me" thing. I know everyone feels this way at times, probably more often than not. Is it a California thing? A generational thing? What is it that makes us go, go, go, and think more, more more, and want more, more more, and keep going until we burn out but never feel satisfied? There are so many things I want more of, and so many things I want that I don't have. I am pretty sure this is (unfortunately) how we are wired straight out of the womb. It's as if those ultrasound machines are not just taking pictures of us in there, it's like they are sending message to us saying, "enjoy the time while you have it, 'cuz you're never going to have this peace and quiet again."
I want more but at the same time I don't. Along with my other New Year's Resolutions of watching the news and being more informed (oops), 2011 was supposed to be the year I tried to be content. Each year, since only a few years ago, I've chosen a word or two that I wanted to be the theme of my year. Last year was "peace and joy". This year, contentment. With all that life throws us, and all that it keeps from us, my goal for this year was to be content with what I already have. I want to see the blessings in each day, even through trials. I want to be a grateful person, satisfied by what incredible gifts I have already been given.
Seeing the blessings is easier than I thought it would be, but not wanting more of them is the hard part. Blessings are like free gifts...they are pretty darn awesome when you get them, you don't usually expect them, and no matter how small they are, free is always good. However, you also don't generally seek after free gifts. Free gifts are given because someone wants to give them to you. You can't expect them, but you best appreciate when you get them!!
In the busyness of today, my goal is to appreciate what I have, not worrying about the time, money, or life that I don't. Who really cares if my bed goes unmade? Who cares if my laundry is still sitting in the dryer? Why do advent calendars have to start on December 1st anyways? Silly traditions. I've got a month left to work on this whole "contentment" thing. Of course I'll continue to work on it in the new year, but in these last 31 days of 2011 my hope is to stay totally focused on it (eek!). They say habits take 3 weeks to form. I've been working on contentment for about 48 weeks now, maybe it'll finally stick in the last 4.
What was your goal(s) for 2011?
What will your goal(s) be for 2012?
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Fresh Cuts: High & Low
Today allowed me very little time to do or think about myself, hence why I am here at 10:30pm working on today's Fresh Cuts. I guess they're not so fresh anymore :(
Today is what happens when you get back from 6 (glorious) days off in a row.
Today is what happens when you need to fit in a workout to fight those holiday (and birthday) pounds. I guess birthday calories DO count.
Today is what happens when the morning comes faster than your body was prepared for.
Today is what happens when you are forced back into reality.
It wasn't a bad day, just a day. There were some highs and lows, some highish-lows and some lowish-highs. In today's honor, here are some of the lowest and highest priced Fresh Cut items.
Lowest:
Highest:
Today is what happens when you get back from 6 (glorious) days off in a row.
Today is what happens when you need to fit in a workout to fight those holiday (and birthday) pounds. I guess birthday calories DO count.
Today is what happens when the morning comes faster than your body was prepared for.
Today is what happens when you are forced back into reality.
It wasn't a bad day, just a day. There were some highs and lows, some highish-lows and some lowish-highs. In today's honor, here are some of the lowest and highest priced Fresh Cut items.
Lowest:
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| Borealis Drop Earrings |
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| Enclosed Stone Danglers |
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| Immeasurable Marks Loop |
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| Look Smart Pouch |
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| Clarissa Coat |
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| Valea Skirt |
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| Draping Shearling Jacket |
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| Supine Satchel |
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Today (some ramblings)
If you remember last weekend, if you've been following that long, then you'll remember my "to do" list:
My niece and I brainstormed the list together, then began executing it early last Saturday morning with the approval of her sisters. Although we made a good dent in the list, we unfortunately didn't finish it before I took the girls to work with me. However, the hours we spent running around town, in an out of their van, in and out of the bathroom and then back home again, were totally worth it.
Good list Miss Rose, good list.
Yesterday was my first day of in two weeks--three weeks if I consider that the last day off I had was spent crashed on the couch with an immobilizing cold. The day was spent cleaning in the morning, baking with friends in the afternoon, then followed up with a catnap and a workout that I forced into the day. It was a good day, but I was still exhausted from the last two weeks and ready for a day with absolutely NO AGENDA.
Today is that day. It's 10:30am and I've produced nothing more than a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. I'm taking pointers from Miss Rose and making myself a list, but not any kind of list...this kind of list:
It's rainy today, therefore a perfect day to stay cozy at home doing everything I want to do, or absolutely nothing at all. I talk a lot about trying to embrace my days as they come, wanting to capture each moment and be content with where I am, so today is a great day to work on that. It's incredibly easy for me to always look ahead, planning my future one day,one destination, one goal at a time thirteen destinations, thirteen goals at a time. It's so easy I'd call myself a professional.
When I say it's "easy for me to look ahead" what I am really saying is that I am really bad at being and living in the moment. If you're looking for a way to quickly exhaust yourself, then start thinking about the future as you fight through today.
The thing is though, I don't want to live like this. I want, desperately, to enjoy today without having expectations of the future. After all, if I can't enjoy today and embrace all that it is, how can I expect myself to enjoy the future? Today will not be perfect, and the future most definitely won't be either. It's too easy to look to the future as the solution for today, but tomorrow will have it's own worries. Worrying about today AND tomorrow does nothing better than give me a stomach ache and pangs of anxiety--so why do I choose to live like that? It's an exhausting way to live, and I have no one to blame but myself.
I can't change the past and I don't know what the future will hold. All I have is today, and I'm choosing to embrace it for all it's worth. In order to do that I am going to start working on that list above...I'd say that's a pretty good way to go...wouldn't you agree?
How will YOU embrace today?
P.S. Thanks B for the reading material!
My niece and I brainstormed the list together, then began executing it early last Saturday morning with the approval of her sisters. Although we made a good dent in the list, we unfortunately didn't finish it before I took the girls to work with me. However, the hours we spent running around town, in an out of their van, in and out of the bathroom and then back home again, were totally worth it.
Good list Miss Rose, good list.
Yesterday was my first day of in two weeks--three weeks if I consider that the last day off I had was spent crashed on the couch with an immobilizing cold. The day was spent cleaning in the morning, baking with friends in the afternoon, then followed up with a catnap and a workout that I forced into the day. It was a good day, but I was still exhausted from the last two weeks and ready for a day with absolutely NO AGENDA.
Today is that day. It's 10:30am and I've produced nothing more than a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of coffee. I'm taking pointers from Miss Rose and making myself a list, but not any kind of list...this kind of list:
And my "reading" will include a little bit of this:
It's rainy today, therefore a perfect day to stay cozy at home doing everything I want to do, or absolutely nothing at all. I talk a lot about trying to embrace my days as they come, wanting to capture each moment and be content with where I am, so today is a great day to work on that. It's incredibly easy for me to always look ahead, planning my future one day,
When I say it's "easy for me to look ahead" what I am really saying is that I am really bad at being and living in the moment. If you're looking for a way to quickly exhaust yourself, then start thinking about the future as you fight through today.
The thing is though, I don't want to live like this. I want, desperately, to enjoy today without having expectations of the future. After all, if I can't enjoy today and embrace all that it is, how can I expect myself to enjoy the future? Today will not be perfect, and the future most definitely won't be either. It's too easy to look to the future as the solution for today, but tomorrow will have it's own worries. Worrying about today AND tomorrow does nothing better than give me a stomach ache and pangs of anxiety--so why do I choose to live like that? It's an exhausting way to live, and I have no one to blame but myself.
I can't change the past and I don't know what the future will hold. All I have is today, and I'm choosing to embrace it for all it's worth. In order to do that I am going to start working on that list above...I'd say that's a pretty good way to go...wouldn't you agree?
How will YOU embrace today?
P.S. Thanks B for the reading material!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Things I Learned in Italy
If someone where to ask you what the most dangerous think you've done by choice was, what would you say? Would you have an answer?
Well, someone asked ME that question last night, and for once, I actually had an answer. Just a month ago I honestly don't know how I would have answered the question, but last night I knew exactly how to answer the question: going to Italy.
Before I get to the why part, I must first share with you the excitement I have over even having an answer to this question. You see, all of my life I've played it safe. I do the right thing, think things over before I make a decision, wait until all the pieces fit, yadda, yadda, yadda. Part of me loves the thrill of trying things other people are not willing to do, like eat menudo and sit on a public toilet without the paper (oops, wasn't supposed to say that, and no, the two are not related). However, those aren't exactly what I would call "adventurous".
I also love traveling and experiencing new things but until Italy, I'd never really done it on my own timeline with no real knowledge of what I was doing. I visited my sister once in Bolivia (i.e. the armpit of the world), but even there she knew where to go and what to do (i.e. cook eggs and banana bread on her patio-kitchen and watch episodes of 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' on my iPod while trying to heat a small room with our own body heat snuggled under a blanket).
Italy, on the other hand, was a total adventure and leap of faith. By the time my travel-buddy and I left for our trip we had been planning for about 9 months. We took things one at a time, starting out slowly with looking into things to do and places to go, determining which cities we'd grace our presence with, then moving on to buying plain, train, and museum tickets. The planning and coordinating became more and more intense as the months went on. Even the week before we left was filled with last minute details, emails to family, final research and reservations, multiple trips to Target and very specific packing of my carryon that would soon become my dresser, bathroom drawer, small closet, and place to rest my bum. It basically became my miniature traveling apartment.
The thing is though, with all our planning and coordinating, we really had NO IDEA what we were doing. We read books and received plenty of information from friends and co-workers who had traveled there, but there is nothing that will really prepare you for a trip like that. And we knew it.
I could go on and on and on with stories about things we did and saw. Walking through cities and experiencing the things we did, I couldn't comprehend how anyone could NOT enjoy Italy. Seriously, there is something there for everyone. There was the time we got stuck on a tour causing us to almost miss our first train out of Rome, the night we had nowhere to sleep and almost ended up sleeping next to the Leaning Tower of Pisa (literally), the dozens of times we got lost, the changes in plans, walking paths that ended without warning, the boats, the trains, the buses....and everything in between. I'm doing quite a terrible job expressing to you the amount of adventure we experienced, but like I said, there is just too much to share in a single post.
In the midst of this incredible adventure, in the midst of huge failures and successes, we survived. We got to where we wanted to go and each place we arrived at brought a huge sense of relief...we did it!
With each goal or destination we faced a new obstacle that brought new anxieties and forced us to cope in new ways. If at home you "learn something new every day", then in a foreign country I think you must learn 500 new things every day. No. Joke.
The thing is though, by the end of the trip I couldn't help but think to myself, "If I can do this, I can do anything." No. Joke.
And so here I am, a month later, having to remind myself that I can do anything.I think I can, I think I can, I think I can I know I can, I know I can, I know I can. Going on this trip took a huge leap of faith and the willingness to try something new, knowing it would be really good, but really difficult in the process. I didn't know what "difficult" would look like, but I was willing to work through it in order to see and experience things I knew were a once in a lifetime opportunity. Simply stated, I was not willing to miss out on life because of fear. And it was totally worth it.
Well, someone asked ME that question last night, and for once, I actually had an answer. Just a month ago I honestly don't know how I would have answered the question, but last night I knew exactly how to answer the question: going to Italy.
Before I get to the why part, I must first share with you the excitement I have over even having an answer to this question. You see, all of my life I've played it safe. I do the right thing, think things over before I make a decision, wait until all the pieces fit, yadda, yadda, yadda. Part of me loves the thrill of trying things other people are not willing to do, like eat menudo and sit on a public toilet without the paper (oops, wasn't supposed to say that, and no, the two are not related). However, those aren't exactly what I would call "adventurous".
I also love traveling and experiencing new things but until Italy, I'd never really done it on my own timeline with no real knowledge of what I was doing. I visited my sister once in Bolivia (i.e. the armpit of the world), but even there she knew where to go and what to do (i.e. cook eggs and banana bread on her patio-kitchen and watch episodes of 'The Real Housewives of Orange County' on my iPod while trying to heat a small room with our own body heat snuggled under a blanket).
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| My sister in the Patio-Kitchen |
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| Me & Charango (Bolivian claim to fame?) |
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| With our mini-apartments before we left; very ignorant |
I could go on and on and on with stories about things we did and saw. Walking through cities and experiencing the things we did, I couldn't comprehend how anyone could NOT enjoy Italy. Seriously, there is something there for everyone. There was the time we got stuck on a tour causing us to almost miss our first train out of Rome, the night we had nowhere to sleep and almost ended up sleeping next to the Leaning Tower of Pisa (literally), the dozens of times we got lost, the changes in plans, walking paths that ended without warning, the boats, the trains, the buses....and everything in between. I'm doing quite a terrible job expressing to you the amount of adventure we experienced, but like I said, there is just too much to share in a single post.
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| The night we almost slept at the Leaning Tower of Pisa |
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| How we felt about almost sleeping at the Leaning Tower of Pisa |
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| In the midst of it |
And so here I am, a month later, having to remind myself that I can do anything.
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| Exhausted (thanks C)... |
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| ...but totally worth it. |
Like I said, I can do anything, and it's about time to take another leap of faith. I know I can, I know I can, I know I can.
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| Boat tour of Capri at the end of our trip, a lot less naive |
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1
Monday, November 7, 2011
Life Imitates Art: New Blog Design
Life imitates art, right? Well, if that's the case then I think this blog is the perfect example of such.
I'm at this place in life where I am running hard and fast, but also feel totally stuck. I don't really know what I am doing with my life or where I am going, but I am kinda just going at life day by day, trying to make the best of it. Sometimes things turn out, and other time they don't. Sometimes I surprise myself, and other times it seems like I am the same little girl I was some 20 years ago. I'm working towards embracing each day as it comes, not dwelling on the future or what I don't have, but instead learning to be content and grateful for what is right in front of me. Easier said than done, eh?
Well, like I said, if life imitates art then this blog is a perfect representation of my life right now. I don't really know what I am doing with it or where it will go. I am taking it day by day, trying to put my best foot forward and make the most of what I have to offer. Sometimes I love what I come up with, other times my ideas are a total flop. But right now, the important thing is that I am trying. I am trying something.
Like every other blogger out there, I have high hopes for this blog. In all my trial and error I want so badly to find my voice and discover what I have to offer others. I know there is something buried up there in that mind of mine...I just need to sift few a few things to let it spill out.
So bear with me as I jump feet first into whatever it is I am doing. I'm excited for what's to come, but of course, that starts with being excited for today.
So what am I excited for today? A blog layout! There are still a few kinks to work out that should be done in no time, but I'm too excited not to share what I've been working on with Liz for what feels like months!
Thank you Liz for doing an incredible job and bearing with me through my crazies. Who knew a girl could be so particular?
I guess that's just part of being a girl sometimes.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
What's My Story?
I haven't really shared this blog with many people. If I did, I'd probably have more readers. Go figure.
I just told my roommate/BFFL (Best Friend For Life...yes it's an official title) that I have a blog/website. I've shared it with only a few others (i.e. my sisters), probably out of fear that I am a terrible blogger, writer, and have nothing interesting to say and no stories to tell. While I consider myself a good communicator, I do not consider myself a great storyteller. I'm still not sure if it's because I have no stories to tell, or if I'm just not seeing the stories worth telling.
There has been a lot of conversation at work lately about writing your own story. "You are the lead character in your own story." While that's fine and dandy, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Ok, ok, I know what it means, but that's a little daunting. If I am the lead in my story and my story kind of sucks, then that's my own fault. I have no one to blame, and we all know it's nice to have someone to blame things on. Don't hate--you know it's true.
I'm think I am in the beginning of my story. Setting the groundwork and building the character. I'd say that's what the 20's are all about. But I'm also getting to that point, I think, where I'm ready to take the first step towards whatever story I am trying to tell. Sure, character development will continue to happen, but a story isn't a story without a plot, and definitely without stepping into that plot. So, here I am, wanting to step into my plot, but having NO IDEA what that plot is. Do I write it? Is the Big Guy Upstairs writing it? Do I let it happen? Can I change direction in the middle? I suppose every good story has twists and turns...
Lost would only begin to describe where I am. My mind is in a million places and I too easily become overwhelmed by said thoughts. Thoughts that consume me and prevent me from seeing life clearly and making decisions accordingly. My recent adventure out of the country was probably the clearest my mind has been in a while. I forgot about all things related to my normal life and embraced each day and moment exactly as it was. Each day my goals were short lived. Get to this city or that hotel. Find this monument, throw a coin in the fountain. Take pictures. Eat when you can, sleep when you're done. Each day felt like a fresh start, each moment felt full of life. In the confines of a single day, I felt so much freedom.
But then here I am, back in reality, consumed by my day, thinking of the future and what it holds. Wanting more/different/change. Not really sure how to grab hold of it or what my first step should be.
Maybe I should start with telling more people about this blog. Maybe.
I just told my roommate/BFFL (Best Friend For Life...yes it's an official title) that I have a blog/website. I've shared it with only a few others (i.e. my sisters), probably out of fear that I am a terrible blogger, writer, and have nothing interesting to say and no stories to tell. While I consider myself a good communicator, I do not consider myself a great storyteller. I'm still not sure if it's because I have no stories to tell, or if I'm just not seeing the stories worth telling.
There has been a lot of conversation at work lately about writing your own story. "You are the lead character in your own story." While that's fine and dandy, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Ok, ok, I know what it means, but that's a little daunting. If I am the lead in my story and my story kind of sucks, then that's my own fault. I have no one to blame, and we all know it's nice to have someone to blame things on. Don't hate--you know it's true.
I'm think I am in the beginning of my story. Setting the groundwork and building the character. I'd say that's what the 20's are all about. But I'm also getting to that point, I think, where I'm ready to take the first step towards whatever story I am trying to tell. Sure, character development will continue to happen, but a story isn't a story without a plot, and definitely without stepping into that plot. So, here I am, wanting to step into my plot, but having NO IDEA what that plot is. Do I write it? Is the Big Guy Upstairs writing it? Do I let it happen? Can I change direction in the middle? I suppose every good story has twists and turns...
Lost would only begin to describe where I am. My mind is in a million places and I too easily become overwhelmed by said thoughts. Thoughts that consume me and prevent me from seeing life clearly and making decisions accordingly. My recent adventure out of the country was probably the clearest my mind has been in a while. I forgot about all things related to my normal life and embraced each day and moment exactly as it was. Each day my goals were short lived. Get to this city or that hotel. Find this monument, throw a coin in the fountain. Take pictures. Eat when you can, sleep when you're done. Each day felt like a fresh start, each moment felt full of life. In the confines of a single day, I felt so much freedom.
But then here I am, back in reality, consumed by my day, thinking of the future and what it holds. Wanting more/different/change. Not really sure how to grab hold of it or what my first step should be.
Maybe I should start with telling more people about this blog. Maybe.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Something to Offer
I'm sitting here at Starbucks, watching the comings and goings of a typical Wednesday morning. Besides the Starbucks part, I'm usually a part of such comings and goings, but because of a weird work schedule, I am free to be and do as I please until early this afternoon. Such is the life of someone working in ministry.
I sit here curious about all these people's lives. Some I see are coming off a run or a bike ride, others job-hunting, while all the rest are somewhere in the midst of their morning run to work or from school drop off. I am confident each person has a story of their own-of how they got here or where they're going. And that's not just for today. Each person has a life-story. A story they are currently writing with each step they take. I do too.
It's hard for me to admit that. I know I have a story, but I also have this trouble with thinking anyone wants to hear it. Who could possible want to know about my life or what I think? I'm just a 24 year old girl, single, working, paying off school loans and dreaming of her future.
It's easy living life one step at a time feeling like you are going absolutely nowhere, or at least nowhere at an immeasurable speed. But then all of the sudden it's the middle of October, you can barely remember your New Year's resolutions from last year much less if you have kept them, and then all of the sudden *BAM* you are 25. Then you think back to a year ago and recognize a few things that have changed about you or your circumstances, then you happen to mistakenly upload pictures from the wrong memory card from 2008 and then you realize really just how much has changed. Frick!
In all of those changes, there are stories. I don't think of myself as much of a story teller. It's not that I don't tell them well, it's just that I don't think I actually have a story to tell. I have multiple friends who I think are great story tellers. They always seems to have some fabulously dramatic or funny or sad or adventurous story to tell. I quickly find myself all ears and anxious to hear the punch line. Or the moral of the story. Or the most embarrassing thing you would never wish on even your greatest enemy.
I want to be a story teller. As much as I don't always have a story to tell, I am confident I have something to say, something to share. It may not always be something wise or life changing or impacting or even interesting, but I know I have something to share. I figure, as long as I have friends, I must have something to share, something to offer. (Although I must admit I DO have complexes about why I have "friends", but those of you who need to know said complexes are already in the loop on this one *wink*).
So that's why I am here. Blogging. I have had a thousand ideas of what to do with my life and with this blog. I'm a perfectionist and like to have things perfectly mapped out and make complete sense to me and everyone else. It's like I force myself to have this perfect business model for my life and for my blog, but that's simply not how life or blogging works. It's great to have a plan, I won't deny that, but if you let said plan (or lack thereof) get in the way of actually doing something, then it's worthless.
I've tried to plan all my life; I practically thrive on plans. But I am also learning that plans and my desire to be and do everything perfectly and care for everyone in the process are hindering the progress of my life.
With all that being said, here goes to blogging life without a plan. To seeing where this takes me. Even if it gets me nowhere, I hope it will serve at the least as an outlet for my never-ceasing-thinking-mind. If it helps or interests others in the process--great. If not--great. But I know I have something to offer, even if I don't exactly know what that something is.
xoxo
I sit here curious about all these people's lives. Some I see are coming off a run or a bike ride, others job-hunting, while all the rest are somewhere in the midst of their morning run to work or from school drop off. I am confident each person has a story of their own-of how they got here or where they're going. And that's not just for today. Each person has a life-story. A story they are currently writing with each step they take. I do too.
It's hard for me to admit that. I know I have a story, but I also have this trouble with thinking anyone wants to hear it. Who could possible want to know about my life or what I think? I'm just a 24 year old girl, single, working, paying off school loans and dreaming of her future.
It's easy living life one step at a time feeling like you are going absolutely nowhere, or at least nowhere at an immeasurable speed. But then all of the sudden it's the middle of October, you can barely remember your New Year's resolutions from last year much less if you have kept them, and then all of the sudden *BAM* you are 25. Then you think back to a year ago and recognize a few things that have changed about you or your circumstances, then you happen to mistakenly upload pictures from the wrong memory card from 2008 and then you realize really just how much has changed. Frick!
In all of those changes, there are stories. I don't think of myself as much of a story teller. It's not that I don't tell them well, it's just that I don't think I actually have a story to tell. I have multiple friends who I think are great story tellers. They always seems to have some fabulously dramatic or funny or sad or adventurous story to tell. I quickly find myself all ears and anxious to hear the punch line. Or the moral of the story. Or the most embarrassing thing you would never wish on even your greatest enemy.
I want to be a story teller. As much as I don't always have a story to tell, I am confident I have something to say, something to share. It may not always be something wise or life changing or impacting or even interesting, but I know I have something to share. I figure, as long as I have friends, I must have something to share, something to offer. (Although I must admit I DO have complexes about why I have "friends", but those of you who need to know said complexes are already in the loop on this one *wink*).
So that's why I am here. Blogging. I have had a thousand ideas of what to do with my life and with this blog. I'm a perfectionist and like to have things perfectly mapped out and make complete sense to me and everyone else. It's like I force myself to have this perfect business model for my life and for my blog, but that's simply not how life or blogging works. It's great to have a plan, I won't deny that, but if you let said plan (or lack thereof) get in the way of actually doing something, then it's worthless.
I've tried to plan all my life; I practically thrive on plans. But I am also learning that plans and my desire to be and do everything perfectly and care for everyone in the process are hindering the progress of my life.
With all that being said, here goes to blogging life without a plan. To seeing where this takes me. Even if it gets me nowhere, I hope it will serve at the least as an outlet for my never-ceasing-thinking-mind. If it helps or interests others in the process--great. If not--great. But I know I have something to offer, even if I don't exactly know what that something is.
xoxo
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
25 Years, Not Days
I had a terrible night of sleep last night. Maybe it has to do with the 13+ hours I got the day/night before, or perhaps the 10 hours I got the night before that. Either way, I probably should have taken advantage of the wonder that is Tylenol PM to ensure a good night of sleep.
Or, I could just as easily blame my lack of sleep on simply TOO many thoughts running through my head.
I think I started to have a quarter life crisis yesterday. Amidst talking with friends over lunch about the fact that we are almost in our second week of September already, I realized that in just 2 months, I will be 25 (yes, it's a leap of thoughts, but welcome to female-ness). While that age may seem childish to you, I think everyone gets to an age at some point where they realize they are not a baby anymore. That or they realize they're finally behind where they thought they'd be by a certain time. I definitely realized option A (I'm not a baby), and option B (I'm behind) is not far off.
Growing up as the youngest of 4 kids I constantly looked up to my siblings. That's not to say I always wanted to do what they were doing (sometimes I knew better), but I always compared myself to whatever age they were at, feeling like they were so grown up and I would never get there. I think somewhere between getting my license and turning 17 is where I first realized I had reached one of those ages. Then I turned 20, and then 21, 22, and so forth. With each age I felt and thought that, "no, my sister is that age!" or "eek, I remember when so-and-so was this old." I've always been the youngest at home and in my grade, so to me everyone was always older and ahead of me. But then I started catching up with "older and ahead of me."
But now at almost 25, I don't really remember what my siblings were like at this age. I think because by they time they reached this age, I was already consumed by my own life and the challenges that came with it. I'm remembering less and less what "they" were like at this age. I've stopped thinking I should be doing what they were doing at this age, because I had my own goals for this age. 25 seemed like eons away, so surely I would reach certain goals by this time-no problem.
Well, 25 is quickly approaching, and while I'm not behind yet, I'm not exactly on target either. And that, my friends, is why I quickly began getting heart palpitations as I sat at lunch yesterday. "When did I get through my early 20's? How did that happen? What am I doing? Where am I going? Who am I going with?" These are all the questions that plague me daily, they just happened to all come at once, from a slightly more vulnerable place of, "I'm 25. Now what?"
I don't want these fears to get the best of me. Especially in my last months of 24. I can do nothing about the future other than live in today and make the best of it. Have a good attitude, experience the adventures it has to offer, learn from it, and have fun with it. Surely there will be moments I will cry through it--no question there. There will be moments I have to fight through the day to make sense of it or simply to get through it. But I'm not about to sacrifice 24 for the sake of fearing 25. I refuse.
I'm pretty sure old people are the ones always talking about restless nights of sleep due to stress and anxiety. I'm also going to refuse those while I'm at it. So while last night may have been a weak moment, in attempt to make the best of it-I'm just going to blame my restless night on the excessive amount of sleep I've gotten in the last few days. Oh, and the fact that in my *aging* I'm beginning to forget things--like taking Tylenol PM when I should have known better. I'll be sure to write a note to myself about that for the future.
P&L,
Allison Elizabeth
Or, I could just as easily blame my lack of sleep on simply TOO many thoughts running through my head.
I think I started to have a quarter life crisis yesterday. Amidst talking with friends over lunch about the fact that we are almost in our second week of September already, I realized that in just 2 months, I will be 25 (yes, it's a leap of thoughts, but welcome to female-ness). While that age may seem childish to you, I think everyone gets to an age at some point where they realize they are not a baby anymore. That or they realize they're finally behind where they thought they'd be by a certain time. I definitely realized option A (I'm not a baby), and option B (I'm behind) is not far off.
Growing up as the youngest of 4 kids I constantly looked up to my siblings. That's not to say I always wanted to do what they were doing (sometimes I knew better), but I always compared myself to whatever age they were at, feeling like they were so grown up and I would never get there. I think somewhere between getting my license and turning 17 is where I first realized I had reached one of those ages. Then I turned 20, and then 21, 22, and so forth. With each age I felt and thought that, "no, my sister is that age!" or "eek, I remember when so-and-so was this old." I've always been the youngest at home and in my grade, so to me everyone was always older and ahead of me. But then I started catching up with "older and ahead of me."
But now at almost 25, I don't really remember what my siblings were like at this age. I think because by they time they reached this age, I was already consumed by my own life and the challenges that came with it. I'm remembering less and less what "they" were like at this age. I've stopped thinking I should be doing what they were doing at this age, because I had my own goals for this age. 25 seemed like eons away, so surely I would reach certain goals by this time-no problem.
Well, 25 is quickly approaching, and while I'm not behind yet, I'm not exactly on target either. And that, my friends, is why I quickly began getting heart palpitations as I sat at lunch yesterday. "When did I get through my early 20's? How did that happen? What am I doing? Where am I going? Who am I going with?" These are all the questions that plague me daily, they just happened to all come at once, from a slightly more vulnerable place of, "I'm 25. Now what?"
I don't want these fears to get the best of me. Especially in my last months of 24. I can do nothing about the future other than live in today and make the best of it. Have a good attitude, experience the adventures it has to offer, learn from it, and have fun with it. Surely there will be moments I will cry through it--no question there. There will be moments I have to fight through the day to make sense of it or simply to get through it. But I'm not about to sacrifice 24 for the sake of fearing 25. I refuse.
I'm pretty sure old people are the ones always talking about restless nights of sleep due to stress and anxiety. I'm also going to refuse those while I'm at it. So while last night may have been a weak moment, in attempt to make the best of it-I'm just going to blame my restless night on the excessive amount of sleep I've gotten in the last few days. Oh, and the fact that in my *aging* I'm beginning to forget things--like taking Tylenol PM when I should have known better. I'll be sure to write a note to myself about that for the future.
P&L,
Allison Elizabeth
Friday, September 2, 2011
Dear Friday
Dear Friday,
I didn't know you would suck the life out of me. It was a good/bad/weird/long day I did not expect. I was going to say that I did absolutely nothing related to my trip today, but then reminded myself that, "helloooo, you just babysat for 12 hours." So I definitely count that as something trip related. Not sure if the extra $ will knock a few things off my list or simply pay a bill or two, but either way it will get me that much closer to Italy! Every little bit counts, and 12 hours worth of bits definitely feels substantial.
However, tomorrow I'd like to do a few more tangible things related to my trip. Here is what's on my mind that needs to be done (because I like lists):
I didn't know you would suck the life out of me. It was a good/bad/weird/long day I did not expect. I was going to say that I did absolutely nothing related to my trip today, but then reminded myself that, "helloooo, you just babysat for 12 hours." So I definitely count that as something trip related. Not sure if the extra $ will knock a few things off my list or simply pay a bill or two, but either way it will get me that much closer to Italy! Every little bit counts, and 12 hours worth of bits definitely feels substantial.
However, tomorrow I'd like to do a few more tangible things related to my trip. Here is what's on my mind that needs to be done (because I like lists):
- Research and purchase this list (so this should count for like 10 things to do)
- Research the places we want to go in each city
- Compile info for everything we are doing
- Buy tickets to the Vatican, Colosseum, Uffizi, Duomo, etc.
- Research places to stay so we have options when we are there
- Pre-pack (yes, I want to do a sample pack to see how that's gonna go)
- Create cheat sheet of phone numbers and addresses for Italy
- Create cheat sheet of family/friends phone numbers (because yes, my mom's number is the only one I know by heart, probably because she's had the number for 10 years)
- Make a budget for my trip
And the list, seriously, goes on.
But for the sake of time and what I can accomplish, I'll plan on a little shopping, researching places to go, and buying tickets for said places. I'll be busy all day Sunday and camping overnight for the holiday weekend, so time will be limited. Seriously, at this point any extra time I have really needs to be devoted to this trip. What I should really stop doing is reading other people's blogs and GET TO WORK.
Going back to my first point though, after commenting to my sister just now about my 12 hour work day I was reminded that there will be many 12 hour+ days in Italy...so get used to it! Although I hope my 12 hour Italian days are filled with more glasses of wine than hours at gymnastics practice, I have a feeling I am going to be very tired after this trip! There's a good chance I'll need a vacation from my vacation. I never knew what that meant as a kid, but I get it now!
I'm currently wiped out. Pooped as my mom (and childhood nightgown) would say. So off to bed I go before I finish off the box of cereal calling my name from the pantry. "Bathing suit, bathing suit, bathing suit. Pictures, pictures, pictures." Ima keep telling myself that until I get to Italy. Then maybe once I'm there I'll finally decide to "remind" myself that Italians like a curvy girl. Right?
P&L,
Allison Elizabeth
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Paper Chain
Dear Diary,
I made a paper chain this morning to help me count down the days until I leave for Italy. It's not just any ol' paper chain though, I made it out of this. Yes, because I'm fancy like that :)
Day 24--that's today. I didn't get any more planning or details figured out, but I did do some shopping! I bought this dress, gawked after this duffle bag, and scoured a few other stores in attempt to brainstorm where the rest of my pre-trip shopping money will go. Here is my list of what I'm wanting:
2-3 colored/plain t-shirts
1-2 cardigans
1 pair flats for walking (well, duh, for walking, but I mean LOTS of walking)
1 pair sandals for walking (see above note)
Duffle bag or small bag/suitcase with wheels
Cross-body purse
Travel toiletry containers/bag
Denim shorts
But I also have to keep in mind that I'm getting my hair did in two weeks, so I'll need to budget this all out a bit. Good news/bad news is I have lots of baby-sitting coming up! Did I mention I'm baby-sitting again? I gotta make this trip happen somehow. The time away from life is a little draining (I'm sitting on my days/time off from work) but hopefully worth it. Actually, it's totally worth it so far since it's not only helping me get to Italy, but also continue paying my bills in the meantime. Ugh bills. Changing subjects.
I also have a new Italy related goal: not check any luggage. Eek! Yes, that means I will only be packing a large carry on and purse/bag for my travels. I'm really trying to limit my packing list to basics and things I can re-wear and/or mix & match. I'm hesitant to have a large back to roll around considering all the moving around we are doing. We will be traveling between cities at least 5 days out of our trip and traveling all over each city during the day. If we happen to get stuck somewhere not being able to check our luggage into a hotel/hostel, then I'd hate to get stuck with some obviously touristy lug of a suitcase behind me.
Well, I'm off to go tear a link of my chain. Gotta make sure to document the last 24 days before we go! I'll be glad I did it later--I know that much!
P&L,
Allison Elizabeth
I made a paper chain this morning to help me count down the days until I leave for Italy. It's not just any ol' paper chain though, I made it out of this. Yes, because I'm fancy like that :)
Day 24--that's today. I didn't get any more planning or details figured out, but I did do some shopping! I bought this dress, gawked after this duffle bag, and scoured a few other stores in attempt to brainstorm where the rest of my pre-trip shopping money will go. Here is my list of what I'm wanting:
2-3 colored/plain t-shirts
1-2 cardigans
1 pair flats for walking (well, duh, for walking, but I mean LOTS of walking)
1 pair sandals for walking (see above note)
Duffle bag or small bag/suitcase with wheels
Cross-body purse
Travel toiletry containers/bag
Denim shorts
But I also have to keep in mind that I'm getting my hair did in two weeks, so I'll need to budget this all out a bit. Good news/bad news is I have lots of baby-sitting coming up! Did I mention I'm baby-sitting again? I gotta make this trip happen somehow. The time away from life is a little draining (I'm sitting on my days/time off from work) but hopefully worth it. Actually, it's totally worth it so far since it's not only helping me get to Italy, but also continue paying my bills in the meantime. Ugh bills. Changing subjects.
I also have a new Italy related goal: not check any luggage. Eek! Yes, that means I will only be packing a large carry on and purse/bag for my travels. I'm really trying to limit my packing list to basics and things I can re-wear and/or mix & match. I'm hesitant to have a large back to roll around considering all the moving around we are doing. We will be traveling between cities at least 5 days out of our trip and traveling all over each city during the day. If we happen to get stuck somewhere not being able to check our luggage into a hotel/hostel, then I'd hate to get stuck with some obviously touristy lug of a suitcase behind me.
Well, I'm off to go tear a link of my chain. Gotta make sure to document the last 24 days before we go! I'll be glad I did it later--I know that much!
P&L,
Allison Elizabeth
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Dear Diary
I'm not so much a fan of "dear diary" type posts. But I totally am. I don't love writing them, I just love reading [most] of them. There is totally value in them, don't get me wrong, I just have a hard time writing that much about myself and my monotonous days. Who really wants to hear abuot that anyways? That's the thing though, if the topic or content of my day is similar to someone else's, or it intrigues them for some reason **creepy** then people will follow. That's what I do! The primary blogs I follow are either related to crafting or fitness. While crafting isn't really the "dear diary" type, fitness and personal health definitely is.
So to embrace said "dear diary" blogging, I will be writing such posts in the coming weeks. It may be all I write, or I may throw some other stuff in the mix.
Why the change? Or challenge rather? Well, like I've mentioned before, I am going to Italy. We are at 26 days and counting and I couldn't be more excited. I'm nervous too actually, and a little stressed about all that's left to do, but I don't want to rush through the next 26 days. I want the next 26 days to be a part of the adventure. The anticipation is killing me, but the planning process is adventurous in and of itself. I want to truly enjoy the next month and make the most of it. The trip will come and go, and that is OBVIOUSLY an adventure, but I want to fully embrace this trip from planning to flying to landing and back again. Oh, and of course everything in between.
I also realized recently that sometimes my journal is more interesting than my blogging. Maybe it's because I take my time to write? Or that I am more vulnerable there? I can't promise vulnerability, but at least I'll have documentation to look back on this time in my life and have something to show for it.
Join me in my adventure, won't you?
P.S. Why is it that I have to actually be away from home in order to blog? I don't get it.
So to embrace said "dear diary" blogging, I will be writing such posts in the coming weeks. It may be all I write, or I may throw some other stuff in the mix.
Why the change? Or challenge rather? Well, like I've mentioned before, I am going to Italy. We are at 26 days and counting and I couldn't be more excited. I'm nervous too actually, and a little stressed about all that's left to do, but I don't want to rush through the next 26 days. I want the next 26 days to be a part of the adventure. The anticipation is killing me, but the planning process is adventurous in and of itself. I want to truly enjoy the next month and make the most of it. The trip will come and go, and that is OBVIOUSLY an adventure, but I want to fully embrace this trip from planning to flying to landing and back again. Oh, and of course everything in between.
I also realized recently that sometimes my journal is more interesting than my blogging. Maybe it's because I take my time to write? Or that I am more vulnerable there? I can't promise vulnerability, but at least I'll have documentation to look back on this time in my life and have something to show for it.
Join me in my adventure, won't you?
P.S. Why is it that I have to actually be away from home in order to blog? I don't get it.
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