#FLAB

My sisters and I adopted a new motivational phrase, created by yours truly, known as #FLAB--i.e. Fight Like a Bitch.

I guess I never really understood the value of a personal motivational statement until I created one of my own, that actually meant something to me. It's silly really, Fight Like A Bitch, but rings true for so many areas of life. When the going gets tough, FIGHT LIKE A BITCH.

Originally we started using the phrase in regard to working out. That's actually the most common use of it in conversation (via text of course). However, it can be used for so many areas of life.

It's been a really difficult year for me filled with significant anxiety and depression. I'm definitely through the worst of it, although seasons or situations do tend to bubble up some of those same feelings.  I stopped taking the meds I was on for about 8 months, with the guidance of my doctor, and after weaning off of those, finally starting feeling myself. The meds got me through the worst of the depression which I am grateful for, but ultimately made my feel groggy, very sleepy, and generally made me want to crawl out of my skin the last few months being on it.

However, after ending those meds, I knew I still wasn't 100%. There was still work to be done and quite a journey ahead. In all honesty, I am still IN that journey, but feel far enough away from some of it to speak in the past tense. Each day I feel more and more myself. I laugh more. Started finding humor in the everyday again. And finally don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or like I need to sleep off whatever emotion I am feeling. Sure, I've had my setbacks, last week being one of them, but through the right precautionary steps, some sleep, and time in community with those I love and don't feel drained by, I was able to work through that.

With the absence of meds but the determination to get back to myself, perhaps even a better version of myself, I decided that the only way to do it was to fight like a bitch. You know, get scrappy when you need to, hold your own, use your words, and not worry about what others think. I needed (and still need) to learn how to take care of myself, not caring what others think, while still respecting those around me. It's so true, if you do not love yourself, there is simply no way to genuinely love others. In the last year or so I was surviving on leftovers, leaving only table scraps for anyone else in my life.

So, fight like a bitch is my motto. It's what it always comes back to for me. Every workout complete? Fight like a bitch. Every counseling appointment checked off? Fight like a bitch. Need to just get up and out of bed to take on the day? FLAB. Eat right? FLAB.

Each moment I remember to FLAB, I am reminded that while life may not be easy and certain tasks may be more difficult, sometimes you just have to FIGHT. It helps me view myself as someone with STRENGTH and vitality. In each moment I choose to FLAB I am no longer a victim and instead a victor. I will take this life one moment at a time, fighting through each day. Maybe one day the fight will be easier for me, or I'll know better how to live in such a way that I don't always have to fight. But until that day comes I will continue to fight and let that fight strengthen me.

Good Morning Harvest

This morning started out early for me. It's rare that I'm able to sleep in to a semi-decent hour, and all too common for me to wake up to the cold and dark of my house when no other humans would dare introduce themselves to the world. 


Most mornings I find myself downstairs and cooking up a quick breakfast and shoveling spoonfuls of coffee into the french press as the water boils before I'm even able to remember what day it is. I guess you could say I am a creature of habit. As much as I pray for the day I'll be able to sleep in past the rising of the sun, for now I can at least appreciate the morning hours I am able to spend in quiet. You see, I am an introvert through and through and these precious morning hours are often the only ones I can call my own. I practically crave them. 


Today is a day much like the others, except better. Coffee and breakfast have already been made and consumed, now all that's left to do is sit in the still of the morning rain as my newest most favorite candle of all burns just beside my bed. And today-rain. Ohh the rain. I love it from the bottom of my heart, where I store the love I have for only a few things in life...pumpkin pie and my mom being two of those things. 


I know there are tasks calling my name and it is only a matter of time before I tear myself back out of bed to tackle the day, but for now I will let the fluff of my bed and the sound of the rain keep me nestled in bed like the sock at the end of my covers. For now I will read and write and dream and hope and wonder. I will contemplate and question and debate. I will let the morning consume me as only mornings can do.


This morning, in the midst of my blog-stalking reading I came across this post that I couldn't help but share. I've read both books by the author and can't wait for the third one to come that she speaks of in the post, but it looks like I have a while to wait. In the post she talks about creativity and inspiration. 


"You know I believe that inspiration is something that we create, something that we’re responsible for. I don’t believe in waiting for it to show up. I believe that being an artist means you live a life of imagination and inspiration, instead of sitting down at your laptop expecting it to show up at just the moment you need it." -Shauna Niequiest 


She also talks about how there are seasons for planting and seasons for harvesting.


"And so this season is also inspiration season. I was taking to my friend Sarah last week, and she was describing this season in her life as a very productive one creatively—lots of paintings, a gallery show, creativity workshops. And then she described the season before it as a season without creating, one where she was gathering inspiration, getting ready to create. That makes sense to me.  

Right now it’s autumn, harvest season. But in my life, it’s planting season—a time to plant seeds and sow my imagination with images and themes and ideas, trusting that harvest will bring everything I need to write Bread & Wine." -Shauna Niequiest 

Like the author, I too, think I am in a season of planting. I don't always do the best job of creating opportunities for inspiration, but that is changing. My mind craves inspiration and creativity. I feel wasted if I let all of that fall away like broken glass. I feel useless. 

But, there is no harvest without planting, so right now I will plant. In fact, I think planting is happening whether or not I am the one doing it, so it's only a matter of time before the harvest will happen. It will happen and I can't wait for the day. In the meantime I will embrace today and try to remember to intentionally plant seeds as I go, hoping one day for a great harvest.