A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

One for the Books

I'm not supposed to be online right now. Or doing anything "stimulating" (i.e. with a screen) for that matter. But I do have a glass of wine beside me, so the two must cancel out, right?

It's been one of those weeks. Months. Years even. So many unexpected changes have occurred in the last 1-2 weeks, and I am ready for the change to stop and the dust to finally settle. The same could be said, however, of the last year of my life. I had mixed feelings about turning 25. It's a nice round number, robust with life, eager to learn, but lacking direction. Since 25 I've experienced a lot of change and transition, therefore to end the year in the same way make perfect sense in a world that doesn't tend to make much of it.

This year was one for the books. I can't say I'll look back on it fondly, but I have a feeling it's one of those years that is shaping and molding me more drastically than ever into the person I will become. It's not a year I'll want to repeat, but to say it was worthless would be unfair. I've experienced major changes, loss, death, depression, confusion, and a general feeling of stagnancy. Marriage, babies, engagements, quitting jobs, traveling the world, job changes, moves, deaths...you name it I've watched it, lived it, or walked through it.

I wish I had the perspective to be able to see it for what it was worth, but at this point I am still too close to understand. Each day I fight to be the me I used to be, and the me I've become. What parts of me remain? What had been chiseled away with good reason? And what do I do with what's left?

Whatever I once thought I knew, I no longer know. Whatever "sure things" I used to think I now question.

Of all years this is the hardest one to embrace. This has been the most difficult year to celebrate. There is nothing "light" about this year, but I pray that it was not in vain. I also pray for this next year to be healthier, and funner, and filled with joy. I pray this next year will be one to celebrate...another one for the books.

Where I Am

Normally I would feel sad or frustrated or even left behind right now, but instead I feel calm pace that tells me there is reason and timing for everything. It's really not even about my time or when my time will come, because it's not about me. It's not about my plan or what steps lie ahead of me. If this is where God has me then this is his plan and call on my life. This is where he wants me.

Today is all I can know; this day is the only thing I can do anything with. Dwelling on the past doesn't change anything and focusing on the future doesn't make it happen any faster.

Contentment is a tricky thing. It's being at peace every. step. of. the. way. It's not wanting more or change or less or anything different. It's accepting things as they are. It's choosing joy in all circumstances.

My mom always says "nothing good or bad lasts forever" and it couldn't be more true. That phrase is often what helps me cling to the contentment that feels so far off at times.

I know in my knower God is working in me. He is creating me to be the person he created me to be. I am already created in his perfect image (as imperfect as I am) but now he has a lifetime to refine me and bring out the qualities in me that are most useful to him. Because again, it's not about me.

If I could cling to this peace forever I would. I will. I've been through a tough season. I'm near the tail end of it, and this feeling, this state of living is a true blessing. It's one I have longed for, feeling like it was an eternity away. But it's wasn't. Although there are times where God feels distant, he is not. He is actually very present yet still there is so much left of him to be revealed. My God is both now and not yet. He is very present on this earth, but the fullness of who he is-his kingdom- has not yet been fully revealed. I'm excited for when it is revealed. But for now, I will be grateful for that which he has already shown us. Which is more than any of us deserve.