A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

#FLAB

My sisters and I adopted a new motivational phrase, created by yours truly, known as #FLAB--i.e. Fight Like a Bitch.

I guess I never really understood the value of a personal motivational statement until I created one of my own, that actually meant something to me. It's silly really, Fight Like A Bitch, but rings true for so many areas of life. When the going gets tough, FIGHT LIKE A BITCH.

Originally we started using the phrase in regard to working out. That's actually the most common use of it in conversation (via text of course). However, it can be used for so many areas of life.

It's been a really difficult year for me filled with significant anxiety and depression. I'm definitely through the worst of it, although seasons or situations do tend to bubble up some of those same feelings.  I stopped taking the meds I was on for about 8 months, with the guidance of my doctor, and after weaning off of those, finally starting feeling myself. The meds got me through the worst of the depression which I am grateful for, but ultimately made my feel groggy, very sleepy, and generally made me want to crawl out of my skin the last few months being on it.

However, after ending those meds, I knew I still wasn't 100%. There was still work to be done and quite a journey ahead. In all honesty, I am still IN that journey, but feel far enough away from some of it to speak in the past tense. Each day I feel more and more myself. I laugh more. Started finding humor in the everyday again. And finally don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or like I need to sleep off whatever emotion I am feeling. Sure, I've had my setbacks, last week being one of them, but through the right precautionary steps, some sleep, and time in community with those I love and don't feel drained by, I was able to work through that.

With the absence of meds but the determination to get back to myself, perhaps even a better version of myself, I decided that the only way to do it was to fight like a bitch. You know, get scrappy when you need to, hold your own, use your words, and not worry about what others think. I needed (and still need) to learn how to take care of myself, not caring what others think, while still respecting those around me. It's so true, if you do not love yourself, there is simply no way to genuinely love others. In the last year or so I was surviving on leftovers, leaving only table scraps for anyone else in my life.

So, fight like a bitch is my motto. It's what it always comes back to for me. Every workout complete? Fight like a bitch. Every counseling appointment checked off? Fight like a bitch. Need to just get up and out of bed to take on the day? FLAB. Eat right? FLAB.

Each moment I remember to FLAB, I am reminded that while life may not be easy and certain tasks may be more difficult, sometimes you just have to FIGHT. It helps me view myself as someone with STRENGTH and vitality. In each moment I choose to FLAB I am no longer a victim and instead a victor. I will take this life one moment at a time, fighting through each day. Maybe one day the fight will be easier for me, or I'll know better how to live in such a way that I don't always have to fight. But until that day comes I will continue to fight and let that fight strengthen me.

One for the Books

I'm not supposed to be online right now. Or doing anything "stimulating" (i.e. with a screen) for that matter. But I do have a glass of wine beside me, so the two must cancel out, right?

It's been one of those weeks. Months. Years even. So many unexpected changes have occurred in the last 1-2 weeks, and I am ready for the change to stop and the dust to finally settle. The same could be said, however, of the last year of my life. I had mixed feelings about turning 25. It's a nice round number, robust with life, eager to learn, but lacking direction. Since 25 I've experienced a lot of change and transition, therefore to end the year in the same way make perfect sense in a world that doesn't tend to make much of it.

This year was one for the books. I can't say I'll look back on it fondly, but I have a feeling it's one of those years that is shaping and molding me more drastically than ever into the person I will become. It's not a year I'll want to repeat, but to say it was worthless would be unfair. I've experienced major changes, loss, death, depression, confusion, and a general feeling of stagnancy. Marriage, babies, engagements, quitting jobs, traveling the world, job changes, moves, deaths...you name it I've watched it, lived it, or walked through it.

I wish I had the perspective to be able to see it for what it was worth, but at this point I am still too close to understand. Each day I fight to be the me I used to be, and the me I've become. What parts of me remain? What had been chiseled away with good reason? And what do I do with what's left?

Whatever I once thought I knew, I no longer know. Whatever "sure things" I used to think I now question.

Of all years this is the hardest one to embrace. This has been the most difficult year to celebrate. There is nothing "light" about this year, but I pray that it was not in vain. I also pray for this next year to be healthier, and funner, and filled with joy. I pray this next year will be one to celebrate...another one for the books.

It's OK.

A dear friend of mine passed away last week after a seven year battle with cancer. She was a dear friend to not only me, but so many of my friends, co-workers, and even my hair-dresser. Karen was not onle the type of person to make friends easily, no matter where she went, but to make true friendships built on honesty, love, and true devotion to her faith. With every relationship she engaged in, her one true desire was to shine light on Jesus and bring others to understand him. 

Karen was our office mom. As young women, single, and fighting through life, Karen was always able to find us at our lowest of lows and celebrate with us at our highest moments. She had a daughter our age and could easily reminisce about her 20's, much similar to our own. 

This past Monday at our department meeting, one she usually held a significant role in, we took time at the start of our meeting to celebrate the things Karen taught us. Be it her attention to detail, fight for life, personal vigor, eagerness to learn, or love for people, we could all easily find something to share. After some time of sifting through my thoughts, what came to mind for me was that she taught me "It's OK." 

Like I mentioned before, Karen always managed to find me or some of my closest friends at our lowest of lows. Whether in regard to a broken friendship, unhealthy relationship, or possessive parents, Karen knew when where she was needed. She let us cry it out, sometimes in our greatest ugly cry, comforted us, validated our feelings, then told us it would be OK. And it wasn't just those words she shared with us, it was in the stories she told and the life experience she had. Karen had a way of saying, "ya, this sucks, and it's not fair, but it's not going to last and here is an example and a reason why." 

That's what I loved about Karen. Despite aging skin, thinning hair, and Buddha-like wisdom, you'd never know she was 30 years our senior. Karen could always find a way of relating to us and remembering exactly how she felt when she was in our shoes, decades ago. She could often even find ways of relating to us through experience she had even recently. Through these shared experiences she had a way of taking away the loneliness and breaking through the barrier of isolation. 

Not only did she show us that it's OK and it's going to be OK, she taught us to fight through it. Karen fought cancer twice in seven years. And she did it with a smile on her face. What got her through it? Family, and relationships, and the community she experienced at work. Near the end, Karen felt pain daily. And yet despite that pain, she chose joy. Instead of living in the misery of physical pain, and the emotional torture of life being taken out from underneath of her, she chose to celebrate the big and small and fight her way through the battle she faced. 

While on earth we know that Karen lost the battle, I am confident she won the ultimate prize and is celebrating whole-heartedly, waiting for the day we can join her. Dwelling on the negative and living in self-pity would have ruined so much of Karen's journey. If that's true of her story, then it must be true of mine also. 

Today, I choose joy, because I know it's going to be OK. 

Choosing Contentment

My coffee pot broke this morning. It was a very unfortunate thing, and I don't really know what happened, but it broke. That's probably not an entirely interesting factoid for you, but if you're a morning coffee-drinker...a MUST-drink-coffee-in-the-morning type of person, then you understand.

After numerous, feeble attempts to "fix" the pot, I opted to jump in the shower, throw a dress on, and head to Starbucks. It was still only about 7:30am, so there was plenty of time to get to Starbucks, grab a cup o' joe for my roommate and I, then head home to finish getting ready for the workday and week ahead. 

Don't worry, I haven't exactly been productive this morning, but the fact that I am here writing after rummaging through the blog-world is worthy of what I would consider a "productive" morning. 

There is this other thing that's been on my mind lately too. Contentment. My 2011 New Year's Resolution, along with watching more news...*fail*...was to work on being content with the life I have. That means choosing joy when it's easier to b&m (bit*h & moan) about my life. That means embracing each day, not fearing or dwelling on the future. All easier said than done of course, but such is life. 

Looking at a whole year, trying to be content about ALL of it, is a daunting task. But that's exactly why I am choosing to NOT fear or dwell on the future. I'm working at taking baby steps to embrace today and enjoy it for what it is, or at the least to work through it. I can't promise I do it well. For some strange reason (to me anyways), I've faced a lot more anxiety this year than I have in the past few. It's like I'm being faced with practice opportunities to choose joy and learn what it feels like to be content. I truly believe to "be" content you much first choose it. It's kind of like love (I think). Sometimes it's easy to embrace and you don't even have to think about it, but there will be many times when love is a choice. 

For me, right now, contentment is a choice. My hope and prayer is that at some point it becomes easier and will come more naturally--to be honest I think it is s-l-o-w-l-y becoming just a little bit easier. 

For example (and this is a totally random example) but yesterday I went to a local farn to pick out pumpkins to be carved later this month. It's a large farm for a non-rural area, so it's definitely a hot spot for families each season (watermelon in the summer, pumpkins in the fall, Christmas trees in December, etc.). They have an area for seasonal games and activities, homemade baked goods, u-pick fresh vegetables, and plenty more. Many schools in the area take an annual field trip here in the fall for vegetable picking. 

So there I was,  a 24 year old, single girl, there with 3 friends and 1 boyfriend (not my own), picking out pumpkins for carving. We were surrounded by kids and babies and families. We were 5 young adults, with no kids, but doing something that sounded fun to us. As the 4 of us girls posed for a picture with our pumpkins, I could help but think, and say, "just think, one day there will be kids in front of us as we take this picture." I wasn't trying to be dramatic or *hopeful* for the future, just pointing out the irony of the situation. We should probably have kids here with us to be doing this. 

But the thing is, none of us really cared. Even as single, young adults, we were foregoing what we do not have (families) and embracing the day, embracing autumn and all it has to offer despite the 80 degree SoCal weather (typical). We chose to have fun doing something together to celebrate the season, even if we "should have" been doing something a little more age and life-stage appropriate. 

I have a feeling there will be many more moments like this in the coming months. Autumn is the best season after all. I'll be sure to keep you posted on our very single holiday celebrations :) 

All this to say, I could have woken up to a broken coffee pot and allowed myself to be annoyed. I could have been frustrated that I paid $3.00 for a cup of coffee when an entire pound of coffee costs only twice the price. I could have let that irk my day. I could have b&m that I will now be purchasing our annual coffee pot for at least $30. I can't promise I will always choose joy (naturally or easily) and choose to embrace the day or the life I have been given. But today I choose joy. I will pick pumpkins. I will drink expensive coffee on occasion. I will celebrate the life I've been given and do my best to be thankful for all of it.

Spice Up Your Life

Colors of the world
Spice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Spice up your life!
People of the world
Spice up your life, aahh

...anyone?


MTV celebrates it's 30th anniversary this year. They are allegedly recognizing this at the VMAs (Video Music Awards) on August 28th. In light of that, they are playing music videos spanning those 30 years in the few hours they actually still play music videos (can we start a petition please?).
I discovered this while getting ready today, with my TV tuned in to MTV. Usually such mornings are filled with the sounds of Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Taylor Swift (oops, are they allowed in the same sentence?), but today was different. Today, I heard the likes of Pink's "Get this Party Started", something beyond my generation by Paula Abdul, and then...

La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la


When you're feelin' sad and low
We will take you where you gotta go
Smiling dancing everything is free
All you need is positivity
Colors of the world....

Can you name that tune? If you guessed "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls, then give yourself some credit.  If you didn't, then please don't judge me. They are totally relevent to my generation.
While their lyrics aren't necessarily mind blowing, you gotta give 'em credit for something. I'm not sure what exactly, but we can at least give credit to Posh for marrying and birthing perhaps the most attractive people on earth.

Every girl identifies with one of them. Like your spice cabinet, no matter how dated or dusty they may be, there are options.

Me? I wanted to be Baby Spice. Maybe it had something to do with her blonde hair or the fact that baby doll dresses were still in style. Or maybe that I, too, was the baby of the family. Only a few times was I caught coloring the tips of my beach blonde hair with a blue marker in Social Studies with Mrs. Cadwallader. I of course denied any association with Baby Spice.
Ironically, just a few weeks ago, I found myself deeply engrossed in "Spice World" --ya know, their movie? It was on T.V., and it was my day off. What can I say?
As I watched, Sporty Spice imparted some of her wisdom on me.

"It just shows you you can't go back. Nothing's the same."

I can't be sure what she was actually talking about in the movie, but her advice couldn't be more true.
You can't go back. Nothing's the same. Each person only has one life to live. We make decisions daily that not only effect our day, but also our future. We are who we are because of the decisions we've made, and the decisions we make today effect who will one day become.
It's easy to look back and wish we had done things differently. It's also easy to wish we could go back to "the good 'ol days." No matter which category you fall under (sometimes a ltitle of both), there is no sense looking back, wishing things were different. The way I see it, if you wish you'd done things differently, then you are probably living in 1) regret 2) guilt and 3) bitterness. If you wish you could go back to the good 'ol days, then you're probably living in 1) the past or 2) bitterness. Either way, you're not fully living in today.

Even if you could go back, it wouldn't be the same. You are a different person now. You are who you were created to be. While you may not be perfect (actually I know you're not), you have a unique story that make you you. If you don't like who you are, looking back won't help. What will help are the decisions you make today and the attitude you have making them.

So go ahead, spice up your life.