If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.
There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.
Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....
ANXIETY
And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.
Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.
Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.
Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.
I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.
Showing posts with label Wisdom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wisdom. Show all posts
Monday, November 19, 2012
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Something to Offer
I'm sitting here at Starbucks, watching the comings and goings of a typical Wednesday morning. Besides the Starbucks part, I'm usually a part of such comings and goings, but because of a weird work schedule, I am free to be and do as I please until early this afternoon. Such is the life of someone working in ministry.
I sit here curious about all these people's lives. Some I see are coming off a run or a bike ride, others job-hunting, while all the rest are somewhere in the midst of their morning run to work or from school drop off. I am confident each person has a story of their own-of how they got here or where they're going. And that's not just for today. Each person has a life-story. A story they are currently writing with each step they take. I do too.
It's hard for me to admit that. I know I have a story, but I also have this trouble with thinking anyone wants to hear it. Who could possible want to know about my life or what I think? I'm just a 24 year old girl, single, working, paying off school loans and dreaming of her future.
It's easy living life one step at a time feeling like you are going absolutely nowhere, or at least nowhere at an immeasurable speed. But then all of the sudden it's the middle of October, you can barely remember your New Year's resolutions from last year much less if you have kept them, and then all of the sudden *BAM* you are 25. Then you think back to a year ago and recognize a few things that have changed about you or your circumstances, then you happen to mistakenly upload pictures from the wrong memory card from 2008 and then you realize really just how much has changed. Frick!
In all of those changes, there are stories. I don't think of myself as much of a story teller. It's not that I don't tell them well, it's just that I don't think I actually have a story to tell. I have multiple friends who I think are great story tellers. They always seems to have some fabulously dramatic or funny or sad or adventurous story to tell. I quickly find myself all ears and anxious to hear the punch line. Or the moral of the story. Or the most embarrassing thing you would never wish on even your greatest enemy.
I want to be a story teller. As much as I don't always have a story to tell, I am confident I have something to say, something to share. It may not always be something wise or life changing or impacting or even interesting, but I know I have something to share. I figure, as long as I have friends, I must have something to share, something to offer. (Although I must admit I DO have complexes about why I have "friends", but those of you who need to know said complexes are already in the loop on this one *wink*).
So that's why I am here. Blogging. I have had a thousand ideas of what to do with my life and with this blog. I'm a perfectionist and like to have things perfectly mapped out and make complete sense to me and everyone else. It's like I force myself to have this perfect business model for my life and for my blog, but that's simply not how life or blogging works. It's great to have a plan, I won't deny that, but if you let said plan (or lack thereof) get in the way of actually doing something, then it's worthless.
I've tried to plan all my life; I practically thrive on plans. But I am also learning that plans and my desire to be and do everything perfectly and care for everyone in the process are hindering the progress of my life.
With all that being said, here goes to blogging life without a plan. To seeing where this takes me. Even if it gets me nowhere, I hope it will serve at the least as an outlet for my never-ceasing-thinking-mind. If it helps or interests others in the process--great. If not--great. But I know I have something to offer, even if I don't exactly know what that something is.
xoxo
I sit here curious about all these people's lives. Some I see are coming off a run or a bike ride, others job-hunting, while all the rest are somewhere in the midst of their morning run to work or from school drop off. I am confident each person has a story of their own-of how they got here or where they're going. And that's not just for today. Each person has a life-story. A story they are currently writing with each step they take. I do too.
It's hard for me to admit that. I know I have a story, but I also have this trouble with thinking anyone wants to hear it. Who could possible want to know about my life or what I think? I'm just a 24 year old girl, single, working, paying off school loans and dreaming of her future.
It's easy living life one step at a time feeling like you are going absolutely nowhere, or at least nowhere at an immeasurable speed. But then all of the sudden it's the middle of October, you can barely remember your New Year's resolutions from last year much less if you have kept them, and then all of the sudden *BAM* you are 25. Then you think back to a year ago and recognize a few things that have changed about you or your circumstances, then you happen to mistakenly upload pictures from the wrong memory card from 2008 and then you realize really just how much has changed. Frick!
In all of those changes, there are stories. I don't think of myself as much of a story teller. It's not that I don't tell them well, it's just that I don't think I actually have a story to tell. I have multiple friends who I think are great story tellers. They always seems to have some fabulously dramatic or funny or sad or adventurous story to tell. I quickly find myself all ears and anxious to hear the punch line. Or the moral of the story. Or the most embarrassing thing you would never wish on even your greatest enemy.
I want to be a story teller. As much as I don't always have a story to tell, I am confident I have something to say, something to share. It may not always be something wise or life changing or impacting or even interesting, but I know I have something to share. I figure, as long as I have friends, I must have something to share, something to offer. (Although I must admit I DO have complexes about why I have "friends", but those of you who need to know said complexes are already in the loop on this one *wink*).
So that's why I am here. Blogging. I have had a thousand ideas of what to do with my life and with this blog. I'm a perfectionist and like to have things perfectly mapped out and make complete sense to me and everyone else. It's like I force myself to have this perfect business model for my life and for my blog, but that's simply not how life or blogging works. It's great to have a plan, I won't deny that, but if you let said plan (or lack thereof) get in the way of actually doing something, then it's worthless.
I've tried to plan all my life; I practically thrive on plans. But I am also learning that plans and my desire to be and do everything perfectly and care for everyone in the process are hindering the progress of my life.
With all that being said, here goes to blogging life without a plan. To seeing where this takes me. Even if it gets me nowhere, I hope it will serve at the least as an outlet for my never-ceasing-thinking-mind. If it helps or interests others in the process--great. If not--great. But I know I have something to offer, even if I don't exactly know what that something is.
xoxo
Monday, August 8, 2011
Spice Up Your Life
Colors of the world
Spice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Spice up your life!
People of the world
Spice up your life, aahh
...anyone?
MTV celebrates it's 30th anniversary this year. They are allegedly recognizing this at the VMAs (Video Music Awards) on August 28th. In light of that, they are playing music videos spanning those 30 years in the few hours they actually still play music videos (can we start a petition please?).
I discovered this while getting ready today, with my TV tuned in to MTV. Usually such mornings are filled with the sounds of Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Taylor Swift (oops, are they allowed in the same sentence?), but today was different. Today, I heard the likes of Pink's "Get this Party Started", something beyond my generation by Paula Abdul, and then...
La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
When you're feelin' sad and low
We will take you where you gotta go
Smiling dancing everything is free
All you need is positivity
Colors of the world....
Can you name that tune? If you guessed "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls, then give yourself some credit. If you didn't, then please don't judge me. They are totally relevent to my generation.
While their lyrics aren't necessarily mind blowing, you gotta give 'em credit for something. I'm not sure what exactly, but we can at least give credit to Posh for marrying and birthing perhaps the most attractive people on earth.
Every girl identifies with one of them. Like your spice cabinet, no matter how dated or dusty they may be, there are options.
Me? I wanted to be Baby Spice. Maybe it had something to do with her blonde hair or the fact that baby doll dresses were still in style. Or maybe that I, too, was the baby of the family. Only a few times was I caught coloring the tips of my beach blonde hair with a blue marker in Social Studies with Mrs. Cadwallader. I of course denied any association with Baby Spice.
Ironically, just a few weeks ago, I found myself deeply engrossed in "Spice World" --ya know, their movie? It was on T.V., and it was my day off. What can I say?
As I watched, Sporty Spice imparted some of her wisdom on me.
"It just shows you you can't go back. Nothing's the same."
I can't be sure what she was actually talking about in the movie, but her advice couldn't be more true.
You can't go back. Nothing's the same. Each person only has one life to live. We make decisions daily that not only effect our day, but also our future. We are who we are because of the decisions we've made, and the decisions we make today effect who will one day become.
It's easy to look back and wish we had done things differently. It's also easy to wish we could go back to "the good 'ol days." No matter which category you fall under (sometimes a ltitle of both), there is no sense looking back, wishing things were different. The way I see it, if you wish you'd done things differently, then you are probably living in 1) regret 2) guilt and 3) bitterness. If you wish you could go back to the good 'ol days, then you're probably living in 1) the past or 2) bitterness. Either way, you're not fully living in today.
Even if you could go back, it wouldn't be the same. You are a different person now. You are who you were created to be. While you may not be perfect (actually I know you're not), you have a unique story that make you you. If you don't like who you are, looking back won't help. What will help are the decisions you make today and the attitude you have making them.
So go ahead, spice up your life.
Spice up your life!
Every boy and every girl
Spice up your life!
People of the world
Spice up your life, aahh
...anyone?
MTV celebrates it's 30th anniversary this year. They are allegedly recognizing this at the VMAs (Video Music Awards) on August 28th. In light of that, they are playing music videos spanning those 30 years in the few hours they actually still play music videos (can we start a petition please?).
I discovered this while getting ready today, with my TV tuned in to MTV. Usually such mornings are filled with the sounds of Katy Perry, Kanye West, and Taylor Swift (oops, are they allowed in the same sentence?), but today was different. Today, I heard the likes of Pink's "Get this Party Started", something beyond my generation by Paula Abdul, and then...
La la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
la la la la la la la la la
When you're feelin' sad and low
We will take you where you gotta go
Smiling dancing everything is free
All you need is positivity
Colors of the world....
Can you name that tune? If you guessed "Spice Up Your Life" by the Spice Girls, then give yourself some credit. If you didn't, then please don't judge me. They are totally relevent to my generation.
While their lyrics aren't necessarily mind blowing, you gotta give 'em credit for something. I'm not sure what exactly, but we can at least give credit to Posh for marrying and birthing perhaps the most attractive people on earth.
Every girl identifies with one of them. Like your spice cabinet, no matter how dated or dusty they may be, there are options.
Me? I wanted to be Baby Spice. Maybe it had something to do with her blonde hair or the fact that baby doll dresses were still in style. Or maybe that I, too, was the baby of the family. Only a few times was I caught coloring the tips of my beach blonde hair with a blue marker in Social Studies with Mrs. Cadwallader. I of course denied any association with Baby Spice.
Ironically, just a few weeks ago, I found myself deeply engrossed in "Spice World" --ya know, their movie? It was on T.V., and it was my day off. What can I say?
As I watched, Sporty Spice imparted some of her wisdom on me.
"It just shows you you can't go back. Nothing's the same."
I can't be sure what she was actually talking about in the movie, but her advice couldn't be more true.
You can't go back. Nothing's the same. Each person only has one life to live. We make decisions daily that not only effect our day, but also our future. We are who we are because of the decisions we've made, and the decisions we make today effect who will one day become.
It's easy to look back and wish we had done things differently. It's also easy to wish we could go back to "the good 'ol days." No matter which category you fall under (sometimes a ltitle of both), there is no sense looking back, wishing things were different. The way I see it, if you wish you'd done things differently, then you are probably living in 1) regret 2) guilt and 3) bitterness. If you wish you could go back to the good 'ol days, then you're probably living in 1) the past or 2) bitterness. Either way, you're not fully living in today.
Even if you could go back, it wouldn't be the same. You are a different person now. You are who you were created to be. While you may not be perfect (actually I know you're not), you have a unique story that make you you. If you don't like who you are, looking back won't help. What will help are the decisions you make today and the attitude you have making them.
So go ahead, spice up your life.
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