A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

Every. Last. Bit.

You see, here's the thing. I was created to be exactly who I am. Through seasons of life I've struggled to understand why I was created to be the me that I am. I've felt a burden to myself and not good enough for others. I was not worthy.

Then there are those laughoutloud moments when I think I am the funniest person on earth, with the greatest family, the best of friends, and gifts from God I am grateful to have.

However, while the seasons of struggle are full of lies, those laughoutloud moments are always full of truth. I may not *actually* be the funniest person on earth, but I can be grateful that God gave me a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. When I feel like a burden, I know that I have family and friends who love me dearly just as I am. When I feel unworthy, I know that God has bestowed on me incredible gifts meant for his glory.

Satan would love nothing more than for me to cower away in shame, hiding who I am and who I was created to be. He would love for me to compare myself to others, put myself down, wish I had what others had, judge my sin, tear apart my soul and whittle away whatever confidence is left in me after being battered by what the world considers good, beautiful, and worth it.

I want to live in truth. I realize I am not perfect, and while I was created to be exactly who I am, I was not created to be exactly AS I am. God has work to do in me, and sadly there will always be work to do in me, so long as I live on this earth. While there is room for me to grow, I know that God loves me as I am. He doesn't love me for my potential, he just loves me.

It's time to embrace who God has created me to be.

Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I'm not much of a knitter, but I know there is a lot of work and intricacy involved in the process. God did not just throw me together. He very intentionally pieced me together in his image. While I am broken and in need of redemption, in me there are remnant's of God's character. Not only in me, but in you too. We are each created in God's image, and it's time we stop tearing ourselves apart and instead celebrate what God has given each of us individually. No one person is the same and for good reason. Only in community are we whole. The same body, but different parts.

Today I embrace that God has created me, Allison Elizabeth Morris. Every. Last. Bit.

The Napping Girl

This week started out a little rough for me, for reasons unknown and others known. I was a bit frustrated after having such a peaceful week or two, but such is life. I have to remind myself sometimes that one, or even two bad days doesn't translate to a lifetime of torture. I think the further I get from the difficult year I've had the easier it will be to remember that. In the meantime, fake it 'til ya make it...that's my motto :).  

Similarly, I don't think I am far enough away from this year to understand any of it. The year is still too close to me, breathing down my neck at times time or buzzing around my temples as I swat it away with the force of a hurricane. The difference between now and a few months ago is that I finally have the energy to swat. Not even 6 months ago I would have rather crawled back into bed, not necessarily out of depression, although that was a major issue at the time, but because of serious exhaustion (or perhaps they are the same thing). I experienced the kind of tired where no coffee, no quiet room, no comfy bed or cozy chair would do me any good. After a night of "sleep" I just wanted to go back to bed, and I often did. After lunch, it took all my energy not to crawl under my desk and curl up in fetal position with the cords of my computer nestled somewhere in between. By dinner time I was ready for a catnap to get me through the rest of the night. And by bedtime, I simply wanted to disappear into a winter slumber. See ya in the spring! 

Without getting into it, although eventually I probably will, I am on my way out of that droopy-eye-foggy-brain time of my life. I still get a little groggy every now and then, and sometimes I still give into that post-work evening nap. That's the one that kills me even still. WHY oh WHY does it still seem like a good idea to sleep just hours before bed?! Oh well, in comparison, I am down to 1occasional nap instead of the compulsion for 3. Soon enough I'll be out of my infantile life and back to a full fledged adult. 

I am grateful for modern medicine and it's ability to heal us from the inside out. At the same time, after 8 months of legal doping (no seriously, I felt like Dopey), it was time to be done. If I wasn't sleeping all I wanted was to crawl out of my skin and leave it on the side of the road for some wandering animal to feast off of. I was just done.

After e-mailing, meeting with, and practically begging my doctor for the second or third time to wean me off my meds, she FINALLY said we could give it a try. I waited as patiently as possible after my initial attempts, not wanting any serious backlash that might send me into a deeper depression or give me some new issue. 

Almost a month later, I feel human again. Each morning I am GRATEFUL to not feel like I need to go back to bed. For 8 months or so it wasn't even an option, I had to. To feel refreshed in the morning and through most of the day is an incredible blessing I can no longer take for granted. It's encouraging and gives me hope for each day. As GRATEFUL as I am for modern medicine and it's ability to heal, I am even MORE grateful to be done with it. 

It's only been a month, so I think there is still more normalcy to come. Maybe this week I'll have the energy to fight through my occasional craving for a dinnertime slumber. Each week I feel more and more normal. I feel at PEACE. I feel CONTENT. I feel HOPEFUL. If I am being realistic, I don't feel all of those emotions every moment of every day, but for once in a long while they finally outnumber the negative, sleepy emotions that plagued me for far too long. 

A few years ago I chose "Peace and Hope" as words that would be the theme of my year (2009 perhaps?). I've chosen other words in years since, but none resonated with me more than those words. That year I truly felt not only peace and hope, but also joy. Perhaps it's time I reinstate those words, not just for this season or next year of my life, but for eternity. I don't think you can ever go wrong with either of those words or emotions. You just can't.