Seasons

It's been a long while since I actually craved Jesus time. It's also been a while since I've colored my hair, cleaned my toilet, wanted to do the dishes, or slept through the night...but let's keep things in perspective. 

All the while I've gone through days, managing my schedule, trusting God' plan for my life (mostly), but wondering when I would again crave time with the One who is actually in charge of my life. In a world built around seasons, I believe people have seasons too. Seasons of joy, plenty, want, and hope. Seasons of loneliness, angst, and pain. These seasons are not something you can simply cross off a list once you've been through it because that's the thing about seasons...they come and go, then return again for another cycle. 

For me, my last season was one of confusion, depression, and overall fogginess. I felt no hope and very little joy. I struggled through each day and was overwhelmed by every possible emotion that poisoned my veins. Every pain beat me into submission, removing most my dignity and any/every sense of peace this world offers. I was stripped naked, bare and trembling with fear. 

The season I'm in now is one of reflection and waiting. I continue to look back at the year I've come from, trying to make sense of it. I like to think that one day it will make sense to me...that I'll be able to look back and think to myself "that's why I went through that!" But right now, I'm not really sure. Some things have begun to make sense. For instance, I was torn away from some of the most important people in my life because they gave me a false sense of safety and security. With my dependence on them came complacency. And through some of the toughest seasons of ministry, I've gained the knowledge necessary to push me to and prepare me for the next step in the journey paved for me. 

Like I mentioned, waiting is the other season I am in. There are so many desires in my heart, hopes and dreams I have, that I just don't seem to be living out quite yet. I want those things to be the season I am in, but I have to trust that in the waiting I am being groomed for what's next. In the waiting I will be grateful when what's next comes my way. In the waiting I will be blessed more fully than I could ever expect because I can't imagine the depth of what God has in store for me. In the waiting I have to trust. 

While I have not been in a season that craved Jesus, I sense that I am entering one where he is all I need. I've been waiting for this season to come, knowing it would come eventually. I am a firm believer  in embracing your emotions and accepting what they are, even if you know they are ridiculous and uncalled for. I know that my God is bigger than my emotions and can handle me, even at my worst. When I am angry with God, I know he is bigger than how I feel. He loves me in spite of my emotions or how I speak to him. I figure that it's better for me to be honest with him about my emotions than fake a relationship with him I don't have. He sees right through my lies, even the ones I believe myself. 

I want to be passionately in love with my Savior. I want to hear his voice in the still moments and bustling life I live. I want to see his presence around every corner and feel his comfort through every circumstance. The thing is, even when I am angry with him, ignore him, don't listen for him, I know he is there. I often take that for granted...knowing he will be there any and every time I go back for him. I live in denial of his love and grace on me. I am stubborn and think I know better. I continually abandon him, angry that my life is not what I want or think it should be. But then, he pushes through the lies I hear from Satan and speaks truth into my life. He softens the hardest parts of me, preparing me for the life he has in store for me. All he wants is my love and affection. To have no other gods before me. He wants my total and complete adoration. To give him credit and trust his plan for me. His plans are bigger than my own, so much greater and worth so much more. In the stillness when I hear his voice I am humbled and put in my place. Like a child I am disciplined in love, covered in grace because my human nature says I don't know better. Thankfully, I have a God who does and a God who shows me the truth of his ways. 

A Convoluted Mess

If 25 is the year to learn a lot about life and about myself, then I guess there is still plenty to pack in with just 9 days left of this "memorable" year.

There is a delicate balance in my life between food, anxiety, sleep, depression, self-esteem, stress and energy. Not that I have figured out that balance, but I am at least beginning to understand how much they influence each other. I'm not sure where the cycle begins, ends, or starts back again, but I know the topics are all intricately linked and about as difficult to unravel as a tangled ball of yarn.

Food makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me worry. Worry disrupts sleep. Disrupted sleep effects my energy. Lack of energy fogs my brain and stresses me out. Stress makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me depressed. Depression ruins my self-esteem. Self-esteem effects my eating. My eating makes me...you get the idea. Although it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it begins, However I think a HUGE factor for me is anxiety. Food/eating makes me anxious. Anxiety makes me anxious (no really). Lack of sleep makes me anxious. Depression makes me anxious. Unhealthy self-esteem makes me anxious. Stress makes me anxious. Low energy makes me anxious. I could explain to you why, but already I've bored you. It all comes down to....

ANXIETY

And if I look at the root of anxiety, I find jealousy, comparison, and envy. If I didn't care so darn much about what others thought or what I thought of others, then what is there to worry about? It's not that I worry about my life or how long I'll live on this God-forsaken earth. I worry about my quality of life. I don't really deserve anything, so anything I have been given is a gift...after all, it has been GIVEN to me.

Normally my next question would go to-If I have been given so much, am I living up to my potential? Am I making the most of what I've been given? But that's not right. That implies I should be doing MORE. BETTER. GREATER. But for what? If for God's glory, then yes! By all means, praise him more, bring him more glory, honor him with your life. But that doesn't mean he loves me anymore. I am no more validating my slot next to the Big Guy upstairs by doing MORE-BETTER-GREATER. But that's not even it. I don't even think I am doing it for the Big Guy. I am doing it for myself. And for others. And to prove myself to others.

Which causes the anxiety. Like I said, it all comes back to anxiety.

Honestly, I don't know how to "fix" myself. I am not sure of the root issue and slowly realizing there will be no one answer to solve said issues. In the last 3 months I have seen my doctor, a therapist, a dietician, and have been referred to a sleep specialist. Not only is that a lot of $$, it's a lot of people. And a lot of issues. Physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological...all of the above. There is no single person that will solve my problem, because there is not only one problem! Not that I saying "Woe is me, I am a wreck." I am simply beginning to see that all the symptoms I am facing are intricately woven together. The more I talk about my issues, the greater perspective I have on them. I am grateful for that.

I think I've officially confused myself on the matter. This ended in a place I did not expect it to go. Why do I always seem to do that? Oh well, such is life...a convoluted mess.

Every. Last. Bit.

You see, here's the thing. I was created to be exactly who I am. Through seasons of life I've struggled to understand why I was created to be the me that I am. I've felt a burden to myself and not good enough for others. I was not worthy.

Then there are those laughoutloud moments when I think I am the funniest person on earth, with the greatest family, the best of friends, and gifts from God I am grateful to have.

However, while the seasons of struggle are full of lies, those laughoutloud moments are always full of truth. I may not *actually* be the funniest person on earth, but I can be grateful that God gave me a sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself. When I feel like a burden, I know that I have family and friends who love me dearly just as I am. When I feel unworthy, I know that God has bestowed on me incredible gifts meant for his glory.

Satan would love nothing more than for me to cower away in shame, hiding who I am and who I was created to be. He would love for me to compare myself to others, put myself down, wish I had what others had, judge my sin, tear apart my soul and whittle away whatever confidence is left in me after being battered by what the world considers good, beautiful, and worth it.

I want to live in truth. I realize I am not perfect, and while I was created to be exactly who I am, I was not created to be exactly AS I am. God has work to do in me, and sadly there will always be work to do in me, so long as I live on this earth. While there is room for me to grow, I know that God loves me as I am. He doesn't love me for my potential, he just loves me.

It's time to embrace who God has created me to be.

Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I'm not much of a knitter, but I know there is a lot of work and intricacy involved in the process. God did not just throw me together. He very intentionally pieced me together in his image. While I am broken and in need of redemption, in me there are remnant's of God's character. Not only in me, but in you too. We are each created in God's image, and it's time we stop tearing ourselves apart and instead celebrate what God has given each of us individually. No one person is the same and for good reason. Only in community are we whole. The same body, but different parts.

Today I embrace that God has created me, Allison Elizabeth Morris. Every. Last. Bit.

#FLAB

My sisters and I adopted a new motivational phrase, created by yours truly, known as #FLAB--i.e. Fight Like a Bitch.

I guess I never really understood the value of a personal motivational statement until I created one of my own, that actually meant something to me. It's silly really, Fight Like A Bitch, but rings true for so many areas of life. When the going gets tough, FIGHT LIKE A BITCH.

Originally we started using the phrase in regard to working out. That's actually the most common use of it in conversation (via text of course). However, it can be used for so many areas of life.

It's been a really difficult year for me filled with significant anxiety and depression. I'm definitely through the worst of it, although seasons or situations do tend to bubble up some of those same feelings.  I stopped taking the meds I was on for about 8 months, with the guidance of my doctor, and after weaning off of those, finally starting feeling myself. The meds got me through the worst of the depression which I am grateful for, but ultimately made my feel groggy, very sleepy, and generally made me want to crawl out of my skin the last few months being on it.

However, after ending those meds, I knew I still wasn't 100%. There was still work to be done and quite a journey ahead. In all honesty, I am still IN that journey, but feel far enough away from some of it to speak in the past tense. Each day I feel more and more myself. I laugh more. Started finding humor in the everyday again. And finally don't feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat or like I need to sleep off whatever emotion I am feeling. Sure, I've had my setbacks, last week being one of them, but through the right precautionary steps, some sleep, and time in community with those I love and don't feel drained by, I was able to work through that.

With the absence of meds but the determination to get back to myself, perhaps even a better version of myself, I decided that the only way to do it was to fight like a bitch. You know, get scrappy when you need to, hold your own, use your words, and not worry about what others think. I needed (and still need) to learn how to take care of myself, not caring what others think, while still respecting those around me. It's so true, if you do not love yourself, there is simply no way to genuinely love others. In the last year or so I was surviving on leftovers, leaving only table scraps for anyone else in my life.

So, fight like a bitch is my motto. It's what it always comes back to for me. Every workout complete? Fight like a bitch. Every counseling appointment checked off? Fight like a bitch. Need to just get up and out of bed to take on the day? FLAB. Eat right? FLAB.

Each moment I remember to FLAB, I am reminded that while life may not be easy and certain tasks may be more difficult, sometimes you just have to FIGHT. It helps me view myself as someone with STRENGTH and vitality. In each moment I choose to FLAB I am no longer a victim and instead a victor. I will take this life one moment at a time, fighting through each day. Maybe one day the fight will be easier for me, or I'll know better how to live in such a way that I don't always have to fight. But until that day comes I will continue to fight and let that fight strengthen me.

Where I'd Rather Be

I envy my roommate right now. I know that I shouldn't. That envy, I am pretty sure, is one of the seven deadly sins. But seriously I can't help but envy her right now.

Why do you ask? Because my roommate is currently on a plane, on her way to Kenya with a group of people from our church. I don't know exactly what she'll be doing there-I am pretty sure she doesn't even know. BUT, she will be in Africa, experiencing the best that God and life has to offer.

You see, it's on the missions field that I feel the most alive and the most at peace. Anxiety ceases and depression disappears. Life abounds and flows freely.

It's on the missions field that I experience true freedom. Freedom from the chains and social media that bind me. Freedom from work, life, and every nagging e-mail pulling at my shirttails.

It's on the missions field that I feel at home. It's where the best of me shines through, which isn't the best of me at all really, but the love of Jesus that can finally shine through my rough, calloused, and damaged exterior.

It's on the missions field that I am where I want to be. There really is no place I'd rather be than on the missions field, doing as God has called me to do.

You see, this is why I envy my roommate. I wish I were there. I wish I could experience the life changing moments and epic stories that I know will mold and shape her for eternity. I wish I could be there to love on the people who need God's love the most. I wish I could be there to see the beauty God has gifted to that country and those people.

But I know my time will come. I've had the pleasure of experiencing these things not only in my lifetime, but even in the last year of my life. I can only hope and pray for new opportunities to experience such true joy once again.

And until that day comes, I will celebrate the opportunity for someone I hold dear to my heart to experience thees things. For it would be unfair of me to keep such joy from the ones I love.

One for the Books

I'm not supposed to be online right now. Or doing anything "stimulating" (i.e. with a screen) for that matter. But I do have a glass of wine beside me, so the two must cancel out, right?

It's been one of those weeks. Months. Years even. So many unexpected changes have occurred in the last 1-2 weeks, and I am ready for the change to stop and the dust to finally settle. The same could be said, however, of the last year of my life. I had mixed feelings about turning 25. It's a nice round number, robust with life, eager to learn, but lacking direction. Since 25 I've experienced a lot of change and transition, therefore to end the year in the same way make perfect sense in a world that doesn't tend to make much of it.

This year was one for the books. I can't say I'll look back on it fondly, but I have a feeling it's one of those years that is shaping and molding me more drastically than ever into the person I will become. It's not a year I'll want to repeat, but to say it was worthless would be unfair. I've experienced major changes, loss, death, depression, confusion, and a general feeling of stagnancy. Marriage, babies, engagements, quitting jobs, traveling the world, job changes, moves, deaths...you name it I've watched it, lived it, or walked through it.

I wish I had the perspective to be able to see it for what it was worth, but at this point I am still too close to understand. Each day I fight to be the me I used to be, and the me I've become. What parts of me remain? What had been chiseled away with good reason? And what do I do with what's left?

Whatever I once thought I knew, I no longer know. Whatever "sure things" I used to think I now question.

Of all years this is the hardest one to embrace. This has been the most difficult year to celebrate. There is nothing "light" about this year, but I pray that it was not in vain. I also pray for this next year to be healthier, and funner, and filled with joy. I pray this next year will be one to celebrate...another one for the books.

It's OK.

A dear friend of mine passed away last week after a seven year battle with cancer. She was a dear friend to not only me, but so many of my friends, co-workers, and even my hair-dresser. Karen was not onle the type of person to make friends easily, no matter where she went, but to make true friendships built on honesty, love, and true devotion to her faith. With every relationship she engaged in, her one true desire was to shine light on Jesus and bring others to understand him. 

Karen was our office mom. As young women, single, and fighting through life, Karen was always able to find us at our lowest of lows and celebrate with us at our highest moments. She had a daughter our age and could easily reminisce about her 20's, much similar to our own. 

This past Monday at our department meeting, one she usually held a significant role in, we took time at the start of our meeting to celebrate the things Karen taught us. Be it her attention to detail, fight for life, personal vigor, eagerness to learn, or love for people, we could all easily find something to share. After some time of sifting through my thoughts, what came to mind for me was that she taught me "It's OK." 

Like I mentioned before, Karen always managed to find me or some of my closest friends at our lowest of lows. Whether in regard to a broken friendship, unhealthy relationship, or possessive parents, Karen knew when where she was needed. She let us cry it out, sometimes in our greatest ugly cry, comforted us, validated our feelings, then told us it would be OK. And it wasn't just those words she shared with us, it was in the stories she told and the life experience she had. Karen had a way of saying, "ya, this sucks, and it's not fair, but it's not going to last and here is an example and a reason why." 

That's what I loved about Karen. Despite aging skin, thinning hair, and Buddha-like wisdom, you'd never know she was 30 years our senior. Karen could always find a way of relating to us and remembering exactly how she felt when she was in our shoes, decades ago. She could often even find ways of relating to us through experience she had even recently. Through these shared experiences she had a way of taking away the loneliness and breaking through the barrier of isolation. 

Not only did she show us that it's OK and it's going to be OK, she taught us to fight through it. Karen fought cancer twice in seven years. And she did it with a smile on her face. What got her through it? Family, and relationships, and the community she experienced at work. Near the end, Karen felt pain daily. And yet despite that pain, she chose joy. Instead of living in the misery of physical pain, and the emotional torture of life being taken out from underneath of her, she chose to celebrate the big and small and fight her way through the battle she faced. 

While on earth we know that Karen lost the battle, I am confident she won the ultimate prize and is celebrating whole-heartedly, waiting for the day we can join her. Dwelling on the negative and living in self-pity would have ruined so much of Karen's journey. If that's true of her story, then it must be true of mine also. 

Today, I choose joy, because I know it's going to be OK.