Seasons

It's been a long while since I actually craved Jesus time. It's also been a while since I've colored my hair, cleaned my toilet, wanted to do the dishes, or slept through the night...but let's keep things in perspective. 

All the while I've gone through days, managing my schedule, trusting God' plan for my life (mostly), but wondering when I would again crave time with the One who is actually in charge of my life. In a world built around seasons, I believe people have seasons too. Seasons of joy, plenty, want, and hope. Seasons of loneliness, angst, and pain. These seasons are not something you can simply cross off a list once you've been through it because that's the thing about seasons...they come and go, then return again for another cycle. 

For me, my last season was one of confusion, depression, and overall fogginess. I felt no hope and very little joy. I struggled through each day and was overwhelmed by every possible emotion that poisoned my veins. Every pain beat me into submission, removing most my dignity and any/every sense of peace this world offers. I was stripped naked, bare and trembling with fear. 

The season I'm in now is one of reflection and waiting. I continue to look back at the year I've come from, trying to make sense of it. I like to think that one day it will make sense to me...that I'll be able to look back and think to myself "that's why I went through that!" But right now, I'm not really sure. Some things have begun to make sense. For instance, I was torn away from some of the most important people in my life because they gave me a false sense of safety and security. With my dependence on them came complacency. And through some of the toughest seasons of ministry, I've gained the knowledge necessary to push me to and prepare me for the next step in the journey paved for me. 

Like I mentioned, waiting is the other season I am in. There are so many desires in my heart, hopes and dreams I have, that I just don't seem to be living out quite yet. I want those things to be the season I am in, but I have to trust that in the waiting I am being groomed for what's next. In the waiting I will be grateful when what's next comes my way. In the waiting I will be blessed more fully than I could ever expect because I can't imagine the depth of what God has in store for me. In the waiting I have to trust. 

While I have not been in a season that craved Jesus, I sense that I am entering one where he is all I need. I've been waiting for this season to come, knowing it would come eventually. I am a firm believer  in embracing your emotions and accepting what they are, even if you know they are ridiculous and uncalled for. I know that my God is bigger than my emotions and can handle me, even at my worst. When I am angry with God, I know he is bigger than how I feel. He loves me in spite of my emotions or how I speak to him. I figure that it's better for me to be honest with him about my emotions than fake a relationship with him I don't have. He sees right through my lies, even the ones I believe myself. 

I want to be passionately in love with my Savior. I want to hear his voice in the still moments and bustling life I live. I want to see his presence around every corner and feel his comfort through every circumstance. The thing is, even when I am angry with him, ignore him, don't listen for him, I know he is there. I often take that for granted...knowing he will be there any and every time I go back for him. I live in denial of his love and grace on me. I am stubborn and think I know better. I continually abandon him, angry that my life is not what I want or think it should be. But then, he pushes through the lies I hear from Satan and speaks truth into my life. He softens the hardest parts of me, preparing me for the life he has in store for me. All he wants is my love and affection. To have no other gods before me. He wants my total and complete adoration. To give him credit and trust his plan for me. His plans are bigger than my own, so much greater and worth so much more. In the stillness when I hear his voice I am humbled and put in my place. Like a child I am disciplined in love, covered in grace because my human nature says I don't know better. Thankfully, I have a God who does and a God who shows me the truth of his ways.