Trying

Of all my issues, the common denominator comes down to anxiety. I wish I understood it better or recognized when it was a factory. But because I don't always recognize it, it seems to come out in other physical manifestations that are generally out of my control. Some more than others. 

I have a slight inclination that the anxiety stems from an overwhelming sense of vulnerability. Knowing that I am on my own in so many ways, and have been for so long, makes me crave comfort. Apparently that comfort comes in the form of food. I've read that food can produce certain chemicals in the body that create a calming effect. But then I also wonder if it's purely psychological based on how I've been conditioned to treat food emotionally. I imagine it has to do a little with both. 

I don't really enjoy talking about this. It's generally uncomfortable and awkward for me. It's honestly embarrassing and makes me feel a sense of shame and a little bit of guilt. I'm quite impressed I have typed as much as I have by now. 

The thing is, I am doing the best I can. I know that I feel better than I did a year ago. Better than 6 months ago. Better than even one month ago. I am doing everything in my power to get help and work through whatever it is that I'm struggling with (there seems to be a lot, but again, all stemming from anxiety). I am fighting the good fight, trying everyday to retrain my brain and body. I can't hate myself for trying, so I keep on doing it. Right now that is a great sense of hope...trying. 

You should try it.