Similarly, I don't think I am far enough away from this year to understand any of it. The year is still too close to me, breathing down my neck at times time or buzzing around my temples as I swat it away with the force of a hurricane. The difference between now and a few months ago is that I finally have the energy to swat. Not even 6 months ago I would have rather crawled back into bed, not necessarily out of depression, although that was a major issue at the time, but because of serious exhaustion (or perhaps they are the same thing). I experienced the kind of tired where no coffee, no quiet room, no comfy bed or cozy chair would do me any good. After a night of "sleep" I just wanted to go back to bed, and I often did. After lunch, it took all my energy not to crawl under my desk and curl up in fetal position with the cords of my computer nestled somewhere in between. By dinner time I was ready for a catnap to get me through the rest of the night. And by bedtime, I simply wanted to disappear into a winter slumber. See ya in the spring!
Without getting into it, although eventually I probably will, I am on my way out of that droopy-eye-foggy-brain time of my life. I still get a little groggy every now and then, and sometimes I still give into that post-work evening nap. That's the one that kills me even still. WHY oh WHY does it still seem like a good idea to sleep just hours before bed?! Oh well, in comparison, I am down to 1occasional nap instead of the compulsion for 3. Soon enough I'll be out of my infantile life and back to a full fledged adult.
I am grateful for modern medicine and it's ability to heal us from the inside out. At the same time, after 8 months of legal doping (no seriously, I felt like Dopey), it was time to be done. If I wasn't sleeping all I wanted was to crawl out of my skin and leave it on the side of the road for some wandering animal to feast off of. I was just done.
After e-mailing, meeting with, and practically begging my doctor for the second or third time to wean me off my meds, she FINALLY said we could give it a try. I waited as patiently as possible after my initial attempts, not wanting any serious backlash that might send me into a deeper depression or give me some new issue.
Almost a month later, I feel human again. Each morning I am GRATEFUL to not feel like I need to go back to bed. For 8 months or so it wasn't even an option, I had to. To feel refreshed in the morning and through most of the day is an incredible blessing I can no longer take for granted. It's encouraging and gives me hope for each day. As GRATEFUL as I am for modern medicine and it's ability to heal, I am even MORE grateful to be done with it.
It's only been a month, so I think there is still more normalcy to come. Maybe this week I'll have the energy to fight through my occasional craving for a dinnertime slumber. Each week I feel more and more normal. I feel at PEACE. I feel CONTENT. I feel HOPEFUL. If I am being realistic, I don't feel all of those emotions every moment of every day, but for once in a long while they finally outnumber the negative, sleepy emotions that plagued me for far too long.
A few years ago I chose "Peace and Hope" as words that would be the theme of my year (2009 perhaps?). I've chosen other words in years since, but none resonated with me more than those words. That year I truly felt not only peace and hope, but also joy. Perhaps it's time I reinstate those words, not just for this season or next year of my life, but for eternity. I don't think you can ever go wrong with either of those words or emotions. You just can't.
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